Sinfilled City
by Spokenvoice
Summary: AU Sara is the bar tender in a club she’s also the woman coming between a blond and her husband. Catherine is a dancer who finds someone who makes her life worth living.
1. Worth it

**Title:**Sin-filled City  
**Author:** Spoken-Voice  
**Pairing:** Sara/Catherine _(slash – you have been warned)_  
**Summary:** AU/ Sara is the bar tender in a club; she's also the woman coming between a blond and her husband. Catherine is a dancer who finds someone who makes her life worth living.  
**Rating: **T

* * *

**Sin-filled City**

I moved my hand slowly to Catherine's cheek; looking at the blond who had her eyes closed shut made my heart beat harder in my chest. Slowly, softly moving my other hand on the lower of the older woman's back I lent forward and whispered – "open your eyes baby…" Catherine refused at first, but it only took me to place my lips softly against the beating pulse on her neck to encourage her to respond. I then placed my forehead against Catherine's and was met by the eyes, those blue eyes – sadness instantly filled me when I saw that they no longer held the fearless, confidence – it was fear, longing to be loved, and shame. Holding Catherine, I just looked into her eyes – my hands moving softly over her lower back. "What happened tonight?" I ask slowly. I need to know what forced her to stumble to my apartment and collapse onto my doorstep to await my return.

Catherine broke eye contact, pulling her hand back from where they were placed on my waist – she was straddled over my lap facing me – I was lay back looking up at her. I was much faster than Catherine so I managed to take her hand and hold the blond in place on my lap before she was able to pull away fully. "Don't" I told her, "We don't have to talk, we can just – I… just need to hold you" It was true; I needed her here with me, on me. When I was sure she was okay with this, and she nodded her head – I moved my hands to her waist – possessively taking hold letting her know she was mine. She lent forward resting her head on my shoulder - she seemed much like a child who wanted as much physical connection with a protector as was possible. I don't know what he did to her, but to break her down like this, to make her so small and vulnerable – I hated him for it… really hate him.

It was when I felt her body wreck with sobs that my heart broke, her body shook in my arms. I knew exactly what needed to be done- I moved my hand up her back and ran it soothingly in circular motions then pushed it further up her neck and into her hair. "Shush…its fine…I'm here baby" I tell her. I need her to know she'll never be alone, I'll always be here and that what ever hurt her today wouldn't hurt her anymore – not if I could help it.

"I don't want to leave you Sar…I need you" She cried into my neck.

"You have me baby" I tell her, she doesn't know how much of me she holds – everything I am it is hers, has been from the moment that I met her. "Let's go lay down" I tell her.

She doesn't really respond, but she allows me to guide her up. Still lent on me as we walk through my apartment she's in my arms and I don't want her in any other place. "I'm sorry, so sorry" She tells me. What the hell has caused her to act like this?

As she rests onto me fully, I move my hand to her waist, "what for?" I ask her.

"I let him do it again, I let him do it. It's my fault"

"Do what baby?" I ask, fearing the response, "What did he do to you?"

It was then that she put full weight on me and I put all my strength into lifting the woman into my arms cradling her head to my chest. Silently thanking the fact I work out – that I jog, and play more sport than most people. Sure it's my escape, not really a chore but in times like this it really helps.

I lay the exhausted woman onto the bed, and then I pushed the hair back from her face. She looked up at me, her eyes heavy and it was only now for the first time I noticed the darkened patch under her left eye which she'd attempted to cover up with makeup – I ran my finger across it without thinking now understanding what _he'd_ done. "Fuck" I mumbled, my heart feeling ten times heavier.

"I'm sorry" She tells me.

There must have been anger in my eyes because I could feel it burning through me; it wasn't that I was angry at her though. It was him, it was always him. "Don't" I tell her, "There is nothing at all - to be sorry about?" I push her hair back from her face lovingly, my tone become more sympathetic, "What did he do?" She closes her eyes, and turns her head to the side and I see a hand mark that was blackening around her neck – that bastard. He'd gone too far this time. "What can I do?" I ask. I need to be able to do something. "Let me end this Cat?" I plead.

I'm her bit on the side, the other woman; I can't end her marriage not unless she says so. Not unless she tells me it's exactly what she wants from me. That was something that we'd agreed upon many months earlier – that's how long this, relationship – this affair had been going on. To be honest I really wasn't sure why she wouldn't leave him. Why she lets him do this to her. When ever I bring it up we usually just erupt into an argument – to be honest I'm sick of the arguments.

Leaning forward I lay at her side, it's then that I smell him on her, his cheap cologne, his presence is all over her. It reminds me that she's his, legally, and physically she's his. This hurts, like a blunt blade pushing deeper into my side – it hurts so much. "I need to end this" I growl, anger taking over. She's not mine, and as long as he has her she never will be. "You can't go back to him. I can't let you Cath…this kills me, seeing this…you like this"

She just shakes her head, and turns to me – burying her head into my chest I pull her close and hold her body into mine. I needed to end this; I can not let her keep doing this. Not when all I think about when she's not with me is what he's doing to her. "Just hold me please" she begged taking my shirt in her clenched fists making sure that I didn't get up. She didn't understand what it did to me seeing her like this – it felt like she was punching me in the face. I swear to god one day I will make that bastard pay. One day.

"I've got you…you're okay baby" I soothe into her strawberry blond hair – kissing the top of her head. She's exhausted, she needed to rest. When she woke I'd figure this out but right now – she needed sleep. "No one will hurt you, I'm here" I tell her softly.

"Thank you" She mumbles, I can still smell him on her. She's slept with him, he's all over her …and it makes me sick. No matter how much I try to block it out as I lay holding her it's the only god damn thing I can think of. I wonder just how much longer I can carry this on for- shearing my woman with that monster, that mother fucker who beats her around the place like shit. I saw this to much as a kid growing up – I'm not going to take it for much longer. Things have to change.

* * *

I feel her begin to shift under me; it's been a few hours now and the night is drawing in on us. She's beginning to stir, moving her hand from where it is on my waist she runs it up my body. It takes her a while but when she opens her eyes she relaxes a little knowing that she's lay with me. "You okay baby?" I ask her. 

"Mm…sorry" She manages again, "I kind of lost it huh?" her voice is cracked with the emotion she had shown hours earlier. She looks up at me, our eyes have locked. She knows what I'm going to say, she always knows when I'm about to blow up at her.

"Don't start…please…I can't do it now"

I don't respond, just sigh and look away over into the darkness of my room.

She always did this, after she loses it with me – she sleeps it off. Then wakes up and acts like nothing happened – I can't do this anymore – it all has to change. "You slept with him today" I blurt out. "I can smell him on you…all over you"

"You know I still sleep with him" She responds back shifting slightly.

I nod my head, "Yeah, I know you sleep with him…but I don't have to be reminded of it when you're with me." My voice cracks, I'm hurting doesn't she see that, "He's all over you" my voice is low now, laced with pain. "Why won't you let me end it – I can make sure he never does this to you again."

She closed her eyes and sighed, "I'll lose my job" she responds.

"Your job? Hun this isn't some top, high flying job – you're a stripper for fucks sake. What's there to hold onto?" Here it begins, my brain is telling me not to do this now – she needs your comfort but I know that there is more to this, more that she isn't telling me.

"It's what I was when we got together" She retorts with anger, "You didn't have a problem with it then"

"I don't have a problem with you stripping because I see the guys you dance for – in their eyes you are unattainable. I have a problem with **HIM**, with your fucking husband who you go off to every day after leaving me. Why you let him treat you like shit – I don't understand." It's the truth, I don't get this. Catherine moves her head off my chest and sits up. She doesn't want to do this. She never wants to do this. She struggles from the bed and I'm quick to also stand. "You can't leave" I tell her.

"I can't deal with this right now" She explains back.

"You want me to just shut up again, huh? Just watch as he puts his fist in your face" I couldn't help but be angry, "For god Sake Cat open you fucking eyes – he doesn't love you, not like I do. I can give you more than he ever has."

"You don't understand" She turns; we are facing each other the bed parting us.

"Your damn right I don't understand"

"Just leave it"

"No – I can't. Trust me, it'll get worse. He will take it further and further and in the end one of you will end it. And it wont be pretty – trust me I know" I have never felt this anger in me before. I think it's because in the moon light streaming in from my window I can see the bruising patch on her face. I've seen this too many times. Difference is now, this time I can do something about it – if only she'd let me.

"You don't know anything…you have no idea" Catherine was a dancer, and you could usually tell – tonight however she didn't stand like a dancer – she was hunched over herself and I notice her hand held around her ribs.

I know there's more to this – much more.

"He really went for you tonight huh?" I'm surprised myself at how my tone dropped from anger to sympathy, to loving and comforting. "He really lost it"

"He was high" She explains, "He drank too much"

"Aren't you sick of the excuses?" I question softly. She doesn't respond, I sigh, and turn to walk over to the window – looking out onto the city street below – I can't look at her when I ask this because it is already impossible "If you want to end it, just say now and…yo-u…can…walk. I'll let you g…o back and h..e'll never kno…w. No one will"

"What?"

"If that's what you are building up to" I growl now from anger – "If you want to finish it just do it now, don't draw it out. Just grab your shit and leave. I'm just the bar maid Cat, you never have to even see me – not at work, not after. You can stop us"

"IS that what you want" She's found anger now.

I swing around, "want? WANT!" I shook my head, "NO, I want you, I want you to be safe, not to end up been killed when he goes into a drunken rage. I want you to be _mine_. I want a lot of things but to lose you is not one of them. But if you want to finish it fine. Do it." Tears are falling down my cheeks, fuck. Don't break, not now. You have to be strong for her.

She sees the tears, and she does her 'I love you, you know that' bit. Walking over to me she takes my shirt and pulls me into her. Arms wrap around my waist, and pull me in "I can't lose you – I'm not going anywhere" She says defiantly.

I shake my head and lean back against the wall, "What is happening to me?" I ask.

"I'm hurting you" She answers, "and I'm sorry"

"Are you?" I ask her.

"I love you" it's but a whisper now.

"Do you?" I ask.

She leans forward capturing my lips in her own, she wants to show me, she needs to show me but as I use my hand to push her hair back behind her ear I smell it. The scent of the only woman I have ever truly love, the only person who's ever made me feel wanted mixed with the smell of the one thing keeping us apart. I can't do this – not with him all over her. I grip my hand onto her shoulder and push her back. She looks hurt, confused – she is looking into my eyes with fear of what I'm going to do next. "No" I tell her, "not like this"

"What?" She asks

"He's on you Cath…I can taste him" I tell her regretfully, it hurts me.

She backs off a little, she looks like she's about to leave. Before she has a chance to however I take her hand in my own and lead her out of my room. There is only one way I can be with her – that's if he is gone. I pull her into the room ahead, the bathroom shutting the door behind up and then pushing her slowly into the door. I lock eyes, and I see so much in them – love for me been one of them. That's why I don't get why she stays with him. "I want you with me" I tell her, "Just tell me that you need me" I whisper as I lean against her and speak into her ear. My body is pressed against hers and my lips softly brushing her neck as I speak.

"I need you" She manages back, her voice husky and weighed down by the need. She moved her hand from my waist and slowly pushes then into the back pocket of my jeans. And in hearing this I sigh a little, the relief floods over me. She did need me, and I will ask the question what for at a later date, as right now I'm just happy to be needed for something, for anything.

Backing up to the shower with her body flush against mine I turn and walk her into the shower I turn the water on and let it fall over our fully clothed bodies. The water seemed to make her bruised faces worsen, and that alone made my heart tighten. With a whisper into her ear promising I'll always be hers I begin to unbutton her shirt. And begin to claim _my _woman as my own –

In this moment in time - the fact she'll be gone before I wake up tomorrow and back with him meaning nothing.

I just need her now

Need her to be mine for the time I can get.

She seems happy to oblige, as she begins to undo the button on my jeans that the water has caused to cling to my legs. The heat not only of the water but her smoldering lips pressed on the nape of my neck all I needed to convince me that sharing my woman was worth it.

* * *

Not yet sure if this will go any further or iff it's a one off. But thankyou all for reading and hope you liked. It's my first ever attempt at writting AU where they are not CSI's hope i still kept to thir charecters. THANKS again  



	2. Walking away

**Part 2**

Awaking to the sound of a light breath against my neck was something I wasn't expecting. I stopped for a moment and convinced myself that it was just me, I was still dreaming but that was not the case. I was holding Catherine in my arms, holding the blond against me – our limbs entangled and her body is flush against my side. I still can't believe she's still here, she's still with me. Usually she'd have left, the only evidence she'd been here a letter and the scent of her on my sheets, by now she'd be back with him – usually.

She's beautiful.

I can't help but run my hand down her arm until I rest it on her waist and run my thumb softly across her waist. My breath comes out broken, only one person has had the power to take my breath away- she's the only one who has ever had a hold on me like this.

I'm not sure how long I've been watching her now but she begins to stir and her eyes flutter open. She moved her head further into my neck as she tried to fight against the pull – "ugh" She mumbles.

"Morning baby"

"Morning" She breaths into my neck – before I feel her lips softly kiss against my pulse.

She knows what this does to me. I groan a little and move my one hand to her lower back and run my fingers in circles. It's then I feel her place her hand on my stomach and running it up my body. Not lustfully, lovingly she explores my skin with her palm. "Thank you" She whispers into my ear.

"What for?" I ask.

"Last night" She tells me.

It's then that she stops kissing my next and rests her head against my shoulder just wanting to be held. It's what I do. Wrap her safely in my arms. "Don't thank me" I tell her. I don't want to be thanked. "I love you Cath" I tell her.

"Why?" She asks after a moment, and then she lifts her head so she locks eyes with me. Her bruise worse now than last night – I'm confused, what did she mean? Why?

"Why do I love you?" I ask her as concern fills me, she shrugs her shoulders and breaks eye contact.

"All I do is hurt you. Over and over again"

"What?"

"It's true… I mean if you were the one with another guy – I don't think I could do this. So I shouldn't be asking it of you"

"Don't…don't do this to me Cath" I tell her. I can't have her feeling sorry for me. I move my hand to push the hair behind her ear, "Don't tell me you couldn't…" I move in the bed so that I am now straddled across her. I move my lips against hers and spoke softly, "I do this for you and it kills me, don't tell me you couldn't do it for me" Then after a lengthy kiss in which I showed her my love I told her, again, "I love you"

I think she has tears in her eyes, as she speaks into my neck, "I love you more"

I lean back, then I run my finger slowly over her black eye, and then to her neck and followed the bruise to her ribs. "You know I could change all this right?" I whisper.

She bites her lower lip and looks to where my hand is on the purple mark that her husband left. "I could give you the life you deserve…we deserve"

"You are too good for me – you get that right?" Catherine whispered back, sometimes I wonder what she really things when I ask that question. Some times I'm convinced she still loves him. I'm too tired to fight it out with her, I'm to sick of the fighting. I pressed my lips against the skin on her lower neck and then move off her and lay at her side. I wish that there was something that I could do. I really wished she loved me as much as I did her – I think she can sense this about me as she wraps an arm around me and pulls her into her side. I let her, I let her do everything else, I'm a fool for her love and worst off all I know it. Moving my hand I run my fingers over her wedding band – it's that keeping me from her. I close my eyes trying so hard to block it out – she's mine, just mine, no one else's – no matter how much I tell my self that however it isn't the truth. She'll never be mine as long as she has this ring on.

* * *

"Baby…" I hear her on the other end of the line. I cradle the phone to my ear as I lean back against the kitchen counter. Catherine had left that morning and now five hours later she was ringing. After last night I thought one thing, I thought the worst.

"Baby you okay?" I must have sounded concerned as I feel.

"Yeah…I'm fine. Just miss you" Catherine explained.

I sighed a little in relief – I lent my head on the side of the refrigerator – "You to baby…" I tell her. It is true I do miss her. "…how you feeling?"

"Much better after been with you" Catherine spoke huskily, then there was a silent gap "Tell me you don't hate me Sar, please"

"I don't" I tell her. "I really don't and that's the problem Cath"

"I hate myself for doing this to you"

"It doesn't have to be this way though" I respond, she has choices, options.

She just sighs – "one day I'll make this right" she mumbles.

"Yeah…one day" I scoff. I'm sick of hearing it, one day, not now. I slid down the counter till I was at the floor – "Is he with you"

"Gone out…"

"What did he say when you got back?" I can sense the hesitation and I know just what that meant, it meant that the two of them fort and then the argument was followed by make up sex. And that thought alone chokes me up – I can see him touching my woman and it is enough to make me cry.

"He…"

"Forget it…" I tell her abruptly. Then silence follows again.

A few seconds pass before she tries to fix this, "Sar, Hun? It means nothing to me"

"Yeah"

"I mean it – you're the only one I'm thinking about"

"Well that makes it all better than…look Cath, I have to go – I'll see you later."

"At the club"

"Yeah maybe"

"Love you"

"Love you babe" with that I terminate the call and throw my phone across the kitchen before sitting and thinking about what I had let my life become.

* * *

It was Friday night, the busiest night of the week and guys were pouring into this place from every available entrance. They were looking for one thing, a show – and it wasn't something that was hard to find here in Vegas. I was stood, in my usual place behind the bar – offering refreshments to these customers who were more than willing to offer me something in return – I have lost count how many times that they'd made a pass at me, reached across the bar – how many times that I had been forced to remind them that I'm just the bar girl and that the ones they were here for were on the stage opposite. Comes with the job, you work in a place like this; you deal with guys like that.

For the third time that night I stood, lent on the bar and I watched as the blond came onto stage, taking her position, that look of fearless confidence – sparkling blue eyes that were so sure, so very sure of her self. I was entranced by her, I always am. The way she moved, the way she walked – I was captured by everything that was Catherine Willows. I didn't see the body, not like the others, and I didn't lust after the blond. I, Sara Sidle was captured by everything Catherine's eyes held, the emotion, and the fearlessness. Moving closer to the bar I sighed, I know that I was probably the only one that saw the bruise around her eye, I was probably the only one that was looking their and not at her scarcely clad figure that was becoming less coved with each passing beat. She locked eyes with me, something that she does often and made it sure I knew that in her head it was for me. She was dancing for me. I keep my eyes locked with hers, as she sways her body against the pole, wishing that it was me … I can't help it.

"Hey Hun…" my thoughts were broken by the gruff dialect of a guy at the bar a little to my side. I turned to him and tried to rid myself of ever little thought in my mind at that time – it proving hard however with the object of my longing dancing on the stage ahead of me.

"What can I get for you?" I ask, stepping back from the bar and taking the cloth I had to wipe it in my hand and putting it over my shoulder.

"JD on the rocks babe" He slurred, he'd had enough as it was, but who was I to deny the guy, I nodded, and turned only to aware that his eyes were looking me up and down. I was used to it by now. "Hey, doll, make it a double"

The pet names are what get to me, the names that I know these guys use in their fantasies. Turning, I force a smile and place the shot in front of him, "There you go sweetheart" I say a little harshly.

He smirks, and hands the cash, his fingers lingering a little longer than I'm happy with – I get the required change from the till as I throw a glance in the way of my love. Man how I wish that I could be with her right now – too bad huh? Turning back I pass the change to the guy who runs his thumb over my palm. "You're a pretty lady…"

"Yeah, so I been told" I tell him coldly.

"How about you show me what you're made of…"

"The dancers are here for than Sir" I tell him, "I just give out the drinks"

"Oh I'm not after a dance" he smirked as his eyes moved down my body, "Come on baby" he winked.

To be honest I don't understand why I was been so hostile tonight, I mean I'm used to getting this off the guys and usually I just blow them off with a sly comment and a wink – tonight though I'm finding myself wanting to take all of my frustration out on him. Then I see Eddie stood looking at Catherine, as he has his arm around another blond and I know why I'm been like I am. I hate guys who think they hold power over women, and I really hated that guy, Catherine's husband. "Watch the dancers – and get your privet dance…fine with me but that is all you'll be getting tonight" I tell him flatly before turning and stepping back to lean on the counter behind. I sigh, looking back up at Catherine who is finishing off – I watch as she dips onto the lap of a guy in the crowed – making sure no contact is made but also making sure he'll be left wanting to pay, for a privet session. With a wink I watch her get back on the stage and thrust into the pole – now her eyes on me again. She offers a wink letting me know – there is nothing to worry about. But I only have to case a glance a little to my side to see her husband to know nothing is fine and I have him to worry about.

* * *

"Hey"

Her voice was enough to force me to stop; I turned and locked eyes with her- things are closing up here now and she's just given her last in a long string of privet sessions – the punters are leaving the club so I do – "Hey"

I could see something in her eyes, they were a little glazed, "Baby?" my concern out weighing what I felt earlier when on the phone, "You okay?"

"I will be when you say you will be my next dance" She growls lowly.

Is she being serious, this isn't like her. I try to see what she's thinking but can't. "Your husband may have something to say about that" I tell her.

And then I watch, as he walks over, she changes how she is when he wraps his arms around her and pulls her in to him his hands roaming over her body. "Hey sexy…"

He was drunk, he was high and here I am standing watching helplessly as he claims her. He claims the woman that I love. I see her, even though it is his lips on her neck she's looking into my eyes. Desire. Sorrow.

I cut eye contact with her, i'm angry and she knows it -

I turn and I walk away.

* * *

tbc - thanks for reading 


	3. Fear and Hurt

**Part 3**

**_an:_ **strong language

I feel sick, that's what she does to me. IT hurts so much. If I wasn't all cried out that's what I'd be doing right now. Hunched against the lockers I'd let the tears fall – but I don't have any tears left. I don't think I have any more strength left. I'm just standing here, lent against my locker looking at the mirror. I'm even more pathetic than I thought I was. Stood here feeling empty, alone. I can't believe that I put myself through this…

For some reason I begin to think of an ex of mine, and how walking in on her and some whore she'd met at work was no where near as bad as this – as watching Catherine with her husband. I shook my head and gave into defeat – there was no way that I'm going to get my woman – I may as well give it up. She'll never leave him. Taking my jacket I reached in and pulled out a pack of cigarettes the only thing I wanted was the smoke right now – to fill me in side and calm me. It'll at least make me last till I get to my apartment and the alcohol.

Just as I was about to leave, having lit and had the longest of drags, I hared the door push open. Opening my eyes I turned my head and looked at Catherine. Her hair out of place, kiss swollen lips with red marks running down her neck. I couldn't look at the marks he'd left, it was too much so I looked to the floor ahead of me, and said nothing.

"Sar…" She slurred, I don't know what had her so drunk, I mean she never usually drinks when she's here on the job but I'm sure she's had something tonight. "…don't tell me I've upset you"

I take another long drag.

Catherine staggers towards me, "…let me say sorry" She smirked, as she came up and took hold of my shirt. Roughly she pushed me into the locker, "I'll fix it" she mumbled and I'm positive it was more to herself. I felt her teeth graze my neck and I was still un moved. I had the cigarette in my mouth and that's where it stayed – I couldn't believe this was happening to me. This wasn't Catherine. She got to my ear, and spoke, "You're much better than he is…trust me"

I have one rule and she knows it, we don't talk about **him**. Especially not now when her body is pressed against mine and her hands are on me – I try to push her away. But she won't have it. She become more violent – normally I'm stronger than her but something has given her a boost tonight – "NO" she growls, "I'm going to show you!" She takes the cigarette from my mouth and takes a drag before dropping into to the floor.

"Get off me" I growl at her, I was too angry – I was too hurt. She can't do this to me. Not now

"You don't want to?" She asks, with a smirk.

Her hand moves up my shirt. And then she does the worst thing she can, "Show me you are better than him, show me Sar…" I feel another hand on my belt pulling, "You've been looking at me all night, why don't you want me now huh?" She had anger in her eyes that I didn't like. I didn't like where this was going.

"Stop" I tell her.

"You know that he just made me want you more…when I'm with him… I need you" She just kept going on and on and I couldn't take it. And when she began to suck my neck it through me over the edge – I pushed her away violently.

"Your fucking drunk" I growled.

She stopped herself from falling, then she just looked at me, and laughed. "Don't tell me this isn't what you want…" she shot as she began to undo her shirt, swaying her hips a little like her job had taught her to. She had no idea how much she was hurting me right now, treating me like some customer that she was been paid to satisfy –

I just couldn't believe it…

She pressed into me again but this time I took control, I roughly turned her around and pushed her into the locker "It isn't…I don't want to be this person. Just sort it out Catherine, don't treat me like this you got it?" I growled.

* * *

I didn't return her calls, no matter how much it pained me to hear the woman pleading down my answer machine I just couldn't do it. Two Days, two long days filled with lonely ness and a feeble attempt to fill the void with scotch, vodka, beer – anything I could get my hands on. Hell I was never stone cold sober before I met her but since that god damn night she came into my world – she'd forced me into this life style. I never wanted to live like this…ever. I'm not sure what is worse - the life I'd left behind, escaped – or the one that I'd walked into. 

But I do believe this is the lowest I've been in a long while – sitting here on my sofa a bottle in on hand and a photo of myself and Catherine in the other. She was beautiful – breathtakingly so. My heart beat softly as I looked at her – her head lowered in that way she did when laughing, the sun hitting her hair making it shimmer in the light. I just wanted her…to be mine, mine in the sense that I could hold her when ever I wanted, be the one she was with, and be there to support her. I wanted to be the ONLY one.

I wonder sometimes if she loves him, I wonder if I'm just some bit on the side… I mean, a bit of fun. For me this is the real thing – she's the only one who'd ever had power to bring me to this – this mess. I need her!

Right now, right this minuet I want her with me.

Reaching for the phone, I dialed the number – and waited for an answer. After each tone, I took a light breath – until she answered, I hared her voice. "Catherine" she spoke. I had no idea what to say back, I just sat there, light breaths was all that I could manage. "Hello?" She asked. Come on Sidle, say something, say anything. I don't know what made her say it, what gave me away but something did – "Sar…is that you?" he tone had altered.

Hearing her say my name broke me, "I…" stopping short of anything I just took a swig of the bottle – as tears made my way down me cheek.

"Sara baby…listen to me… I'm really…really…"

"Shut up" I tell her, "Shut the hell up…" I cough a little from the burning after taste left. Maybe this wasn't the right move. Maybe, but I just couldn't sit and wait any longer. "I… need you" I tell her.

"Sara…you been drinking?" I here her ask me, asking me if I'd had a drink. Hah.

"why did you do Cat?"

"Sar baby…" She begins, "I'm so sorry"

"No…" I tell her. Even I'm aware that my words are all merged together and nothing makes sense – this is what she does to me. "I need you here"

"I'll be there" She says, "I'll be there Sar…" Before she has a chance to say sorry again, or finish my name I cut the call off. Throw the phone to the table and reach for the photo off my lap. Something comes over me when I lock eyes and causes me to throw the frame across the room.

* * *

"Sara, baby" She gasped s soon as I pulled open the door. And to be honest if I was her I probably would have to. I was a mess. Drunk, angered mess, and she was the one who did this too me. I pulled back away from her, she just walked into my apartment. I walked back into the living area, falling back onto the sofa. I was beyond drunk now – I had been drinking none stop for a few days – I was in a state that she'd never seen before. I hope this was hurting her as much as she hurt me the other night. I could see her, looking over the scene, looking at my living conditions and know why she's speechless. There are pills across the table – sleeping pills, pain killers along with empty beer bottles and spirits laid out. Easy access along with photo's of the two of us. "Shit" She growled. Throwing her jacket to the chair she pushed a hand threw her hair. 

"Have a beer" I tell her. Not ask, tell.

"I think you've had enough for the two of us" She says. I lent forward not liking her tone.

"What you don't like it when the roles are reversed Cath? That it?"

"No I don't like seeing you like this" she spoke slowly as if trying to gage just what was going on. Did I want an argument with her? Did I call her here to forgive her? To be honest not even I know the answer to that question.

"Too bad" I tell her leaning back on the sofa.

Silence fills the room as I sit and continue to drink. She just looks down at the floor waiting to see my next move. Eventually I break it and speak – "I don't like been this person" I tell her.

She doesn't know what to say to that. I let out an angered laugh, "I hate this person…but you forced me into it. What…" My voice faults as I stop, a lump in my throat, I look up to her. "You pushed me to far the other night"

She nods her head.

"I shouldn't have done it, I'd drunk too much, I was getting over a crazy night…"

"Drunk too much? That's your excuse…well God damn it…I've drank to much but If I pinned you up against my wall telling you how I need you to show me your better than some guy I'm fucking – you wouldn't take it as an excuse. Would you?"

"I was wrong" She spoke quietly.

"Yeah you fucking were" I tell her as I place my empty beer bottle down and reach for the scotch. "I…never thought you could hurt me this bad" I let out a laugh, "How wrong was I huh?"

Catherine reached forward and took my hand, "Sara…you have to listen to me. That wasn't me, I was drunk that night. This is me now, and I'm so sorry."

I look into her eyes, and see pain, sorrow…

"I hate you" I tell her bluntly.

My words hurt.

"I hate you so much…but I still love you" I tell her. "How fucking stupid am I"

"Don't do this" She says, "Don't do this to yourself. I fucked up big don't hurt yourself"

"You want me to stop?" I ask,

"I'll do anything to make us okay again, anything." She says.

"How can you make it okay?" I shout.

"I haven't stopped thinking about you Sara, I've sat out side the god damn apartment for so long. I want to make it better but I can't…there is nothing that I can do to show you how sorry I am" She moved forward moving her palm to my leg. Even though I wanted her to make me feel better, to make it okay again I couldn't.

I closed my eyes trying to block everything out but was met with images of her and Eddie. I lashed out, "Don't…please don't…." I push her hand away and stand up from the sofa. She sits back a little shocked at my out burst. "I need you to end it with him…I need you to finish Cath. I thought I could do it but I can't…I can't do it."

"Sara…I can't"

"Well I can't do this…you still love him." I accused as I stumbled and crashed into the side table in my apartment knocking the photos and phone to the floor. "You love him…admit it" I growled so loud that even I was shocked. Then I threw my bottle at the wall. Catherine shot up from her seat, and backed up – she was so scared.

_I got it, the moment I threw the bottle I understood what I was doing. She was scared of me. I was acting like him. I was drunk and violent. What have I done –_

"please" She says low, hurt.

Is this what he does, makes her beg and cry. I hate myself right now.

A cold, empty silence fills between us and this, this moment is all that I need to know this is the worst of our many arguments. This is by far the worst. I just stand in the middle of the room – and begin to cry myself – hot tears, hot anger. I collapse, backwards sliding down the back wall. She doesn't know what to do – what I'll do. For a moment she just stands there but it isn't long till I feel her holding me. She's crouched at my side and she pulls me into her chest holding me to her. I try and pull free at first but I then give in. I love her, I need her…

Here we are the two of us sat in the corner of my apartment crying – holding each other. "I'm sorry" I mumble.

"no!" She says firmly through her tears, "I'm sorry… I'll never hurt you like that again Sar"

"Don't make promise you can't keep Cath…" I tell her softly. After a few moments I shift slightly pushing my head into her neck – "I'm to drunk to talk" I tell her.

She move her hand to my back, soothing me with her breath on my skin – I now hate myself because when I threw that bottle she looked at me with fear. I never want her to fear me again. I don't want her to hate me.

* * *

**TBC...**thanks guys 


	4. Fighting Through

**Part 4**

My neck was aching; my heart was pounding and my stomach tightening. A hangover, that is just great. I'm not sure of the time; I just know that I'm not alone. It's Catherine who is sat beside me with her arms around my waist. I can heart her steady breathing, her soft fingers funning over my skin. Slowly I open my eyes, but I stay as still as I can. After a few moments I move my hand and place it on hers that is on my stomach – interlinking our fingers. I just what to touch her. I can still remember, it all – everything I said to her, I did to her.

"Hey" her voice was raspy; it must have been from the crying.

I don't trust my own voice so I just turn my head and rest my cheek against her shoulder, I move my other arm around her waist. "How long have you been here?"

"a few hours" She explains. It was dark outside. It is a good job that we had a night off tonight. Well I had a night off I'm not sure about Catherine. Either she called in sick – or just hasn't showed up. "How do you feel?" She questions.

"like I drank way too much" I explained. Then after a few minuets I spoke "I reminded you of him didn't I?"

Catherine shifts uncomfortably, she moves her arm a little- she doesn't want to do this. "Sar"

"I did, when I threw the bottle – you were scared of me. Did you think I was going to hit you?"

"Look, stop" She says. "I know you would never hurt me"

"How? How do you…" I want to know what makes her so sure.

"I just do. I trust you." She explained harshly. This was a subject she wasn't happy talking about.

"I don't" I tell her. I feel more than sick now "We need to talk"

"Later. When you're sober"

"Are you staying?" I ask her, I'm unsure of the answer that she will give me.

"yeah"  
"Work?" I ask.

"Pulled a sick-y"

That's going to piss her husband off. Big time, But I was too tired of worrying about him, I needed her with me. "I need you" I tell her.

"You have me" she assures.

No, I don't.

"Why did you do it?" I ask. The pain is deafening to my own ears.

She knows exactly what I am on about "Honestly, I don't know. I came out of a privet session with some guy who took it too far, got a little rough. All night I wanted you, to be the one with me but you never were. It was some creep- who I had to please. Then, when I walked in and saw you, I lost it – I just…I don't have any excuse for what I did. I'm a fuck up, I hurt you, and you'll never know how sorry I am."

"You were a different person. Your eyes, your hands… what did you do Catherine?"

"I'd had too much to drink"

I turned around, so that I was facing her – "I've seen you drink it doesn't do that to you" I say forcefully.

She looks down, "I feel sick ever time I think of what I did. If you don't want to see me again I'll understand…I mean all that I'm doing is causing you pain."

I took hold of her wrists, "I've had a whole lot worse than that done to me in the past Cath, and I'm not losing you over it. But don't think I'll take it off you again. You ever hurt me like this again, I'm walking…and I mean that."

She lent forward taking hold of my waist, "I'll never do it to you again"

I nod my head, I know that we'll talk about this more when I'm not so intoxicated but right now I just want her with me. I lean forward and move my lips to hers – pressing tightly into her I run my tongue reassuringly over her quivering bottom lip. I can feel her break down, and begin to cry. "Please don't hate me Sar" she murmured against my lips. I pushed her back to the sofa genteelly and lay at her side just holding her.

* * *

Waking up I noticed that she wasn't with me anymore – I was alone. Passed out on m sofa. Not a nice site – even if I say so myself. And here we go – the alcohol kicks in. Mocking me while I'm down huh? Yeah well can't say I don't deserve it. With little hesitation I swung my legs from the sofa and stumbled may way threw the apartment towards the bathroom knocking into every wall and table on my way. Good morning Sara – yeah right!

I was lent into my toilet throwing up anything that my stomach held –and like I've said so many times before this stuff tasted much better going down than it did coming up. I can't help but feel it's a waist of good alcohol – ah hell, who am I kidding it's the effects that I pay for in the first place. I really couldn't tell you if I tried how long I had been in this position – but I suddenly felt someone take hold of my waist with one arm to support me as the other hand held the hair back from my face. "Shush, it'll be okay" Catherine, I'd know that voice anywhere. I lent into her as I continued to be sick happy that I wasn't alone but not happy she was seeing me in this state.

A few minuets later I was sitting with my back against the wall in my bathroom on the cool tiles with her running a cool damp cloth over my neck and face. I was totally exhausted, how ever it was nothing that a good shower wouldn't cure, and she was certainly helping!

"Can't help feeling this is my fault" Catherine softly spoke as she began to help take my shirt off.

"I dealt with it all wrong" I explained, leaning back on the wall and looking up into her eyes, "and that includes calling you last night"

"You regret calling me here?" she asked.

I nodded my head "Yeah, because I called you to have ago, I called you so I could hurt you as bad as you hurt me." I explained truthfully. Now that I wasn't tanked up on spirits and beer I knew exactly what I was saying.She didn't say anything to that just looked down. I knew I'd succeeded in that task – I had hurt her.

Moving my hand to her face I just ran my thumb over her cheek, "Can we talk later? I don't think I can do this now Cath" I explain. She just nodded her head. But to reassure her I wasn't about to break it all off I pulled her to me on kissed her cheek.

"Do you need me to help you?" She asks.

I smile, "Anything to get me out of my cloths huh?" I ask as I struggle to stand. She helped me up – then we were stood face till face. "I'll be out in a minuet"

She nodded her head with understanding. I just needed time alone – after I went crazy on her last night I just needed to pull myself together.

* * *

Walking from my bedroom, now dressed in worn jeans and a fitted tank top I had the towel draped over my shoulders. Having dried my hair and applied some make up at least I now looked a little more sane – a little less of a mess. I reached the living area to see Catherine sat on the coffee table – she was looking down at something. Slowly I walked over towards her – she still had no idea I was there.

"That was a good day huh? Down at the lake." I offered softly.

She nodded her head, "Yeah…"

The frame was cracked, the photograph that I'd thrown across the room yesterday – "thanks for helping me out in there"

"No problem"

"You didn't have to clean up out here…" I tell her as I sit down on the chair at the side of the sofa seeing she's cleared my apartment of the empty bottles, pills box - pills – "…you should have left it." I lent forward and reached for my boots that were under the table and put them on.

"I couldn't sit looking at it all… I don't like been the reason you did this" she explains.

I sigh, "Honestly, you're not the only reason… I think I have a problem with it all" I tell her, I mean I have got a problem – with drinking, and the only way I get sleep is the pills. "I'm sorry I brought you over last night when I was in the middle of all this"

"I'm not" She explained, she hadn't stopped looking at the photo of the two of us, "I didn't think you were going to ever call me…I thought I'd lost you"

"I didn't call because I…I don't know how we deal with this Cat…I don't know what you want me to say. I can't tell you I'm okay with it, because I'm not. I can't pretend it didn't happen because …it did" I finished lacing up my second boot and then I look over to her.

"I don't expect you to forget about it…"

"What do we do now?" I ask, "I mean - do we continue how we have been?"

"I really don't know…"

For some reason I'm been pulled into my past, back to when I was a kid. I remember been sat there at the kitchen table – my mom with her back to me at the stove – my brother sat at my side. There was silence, there always was after one of these episodes. The night before my mom and dad had a fight and she'd taken his fist to her face yet again, another black eye. Now here she was cooking him breakfast as if nothing had happen. He'd apologized again and she'd taken the apology, again. How many times can a person say sorry?

"Where are you?" She breaks into my thoughts, now she's turned so she is sat in front of me.

"Nowhere" I shrug it off. Then a silence falls over us, until I speak up – her eyes hold so much. "Are you happy?" I ask.

"Right now?"

"No, in general- I mean, with how things are?" I correct knowing that right now neither one of us is happy.

"I'm a stripper, who is married to someone who beats me every night and I am fucking the only thing good in my life up. The only thing that I'm happy about is when I'm with you and I can't even get that right." She explains sadly.

"He's no good for you Catherine" I tell her.

"Do we have to do this again?" she asks me, once again trying to avoid having this conversation.

"Yeah we do" I growl. No, I don't want to argue with her. I take a deep breath, "Just tell me why you keep going back to him?"

"Because…with out him I lose my job, I lose everything I have"

"But with him you're losing me, and everything I can offer"

"What are you saying? Are you ending this?" She asked me, fearfully.

"No. I don't know what I'm saying"

"If I could I'd leave him" She explained. She keeps saying that. IF she could, but what's stopping her really. She could get a strip gig in ay joint – it's Vegas for fuck sake.

Right now, I don't care. I may be weak, may be letting her treat me like shit but I love her – "This isn't how it was meant to be" I tell her.

"What?"

"I wasn't meant to have a life this fucking complicated." I growled.

After a few moments silence, "take my hand …"

I look at her like she's gone crazy. But I reach out and hold her hand, "I've come too close to losing you… I never want to feel this again. I'll never purposely hurt you like that again Sar"

I don't know why but, something in me clicks. I look into her eyes and see it – regret- I pull her towards me, forcing her to stop speaking when I pressed my lips into hers. She was sat in my lap, my one hand around her back as the other rested on her waist. Now I understand why people forgive, why they pretend nothing happened – because for me it's too fucking difficult to talk about, to try and work out what it means to me. I've got to a point where I don't care…I don't give a damn. I can't keep fighting with her because that hurts more than what she did. "Don't hurt me again?" I ask.

She opens her eyes, looking at me as though I've gone crazy – she was ready for a fight but I wasn't up for another. "I won't" She murmurs.

This is good enough for me, right now – it's good enough. I attack her again with my mouth crashing into hers. She moves one of her hands pushing her fingers into my hair. Lifting her with little effort I pushed her onto the sofa before moving on top of her – a heated make out session following. My hands exploring her curves through her clothes, no talking anymore, just her showing my how sorry she was, me showing her how sorry I was. Fifteen minuets into it I had undone her shirt and was giving attention to her neck when I felt a vibrating on my thy – her phone.

I look up at her, locking eyes when I slowly move my hand and take out her mobile – I look at the flashing name. My heart sinks – Eddie.

I kiss her one last time before I hand it to her. Even though I don't want her to answer it, I want her to cut off the call, I know that she can't do that. She is his wife.

"Fuck…Sara…wait" She curses, I just walk away. Then she tries to steady her breathing before answering…

"_Hey baby" she says._

I can't stand and listen to this, one thing I can't do is listen to her talk to him. So I leave, I walk off into the kitchen area and reach out for the coffee machine. _What the hell was I doing?_ I set myself up for hurt.

"I couldn't go in last night…okay. I'm out…I'll be home later…later, fine!" She shouts and cuts off the call. Then she waists no time, "Sara…I'm sorry…"

"It's okay" I tell her, "I've got used to it Cath, not like it's something new is it?"

"You shouldn't have to get used to it" She growls.

"I knew what I was getting into" I see her, her hair tossed, her face flushed and her shirt half undone – walking forward I forgot about the coffee as I pushed my hands in her shirt holding her waist – "and I know that I need you"

She moves her hand down my body, and pushed them into my back pockets and then as I began to kiss her neck she moved her hands up, under my shirt and ran her fingers softly over my skin raking her fingers softly as I gripped tightly to her and lifted her up onto my counter top. "Make me forget!" I whispered lowly, a husky growl. She wrapped her legs around my waist as I pushed her shirt from her – as she pulled me into a smoldering kiss. With kisses like that she could make me forget anything.

* * *

**tbc...thanks for the reviews, they keep me smiling :)**

**more soon i hope **


	5. Showing You

**Part 5 **

A few days passed, and we fall back into the old routine. She'd find a few hours to call around, I'd be so great full for what I could get and just as heart broken when she left to go back to her home, back to her life. All I could do was except the fact, and deal with it. So I kept telling myself – but come on things were good right? Yeah I kept telling myself that.

Sitting at the bar I waited for punters to pour in through the doors, opening time soon – and that's when the fun began, the drunken guys with sick minds. That all she ever got here – offers of 'a little something more out in the parking lot'. The darkened room was filled with staff, bouncers, bar tenders, dancers and then there were people like Eddie – he ran the shop, not officially but I know he had something big up there with the rest of them. I watched him with his arm around a brunette wondering what he'd do if he knew about this brunette here who and more than an arm around his wife. Actually I don't have to wonder, he'd kill her, and then he'd kill me – and not in a figurative way at all.

"Hey you" I look across to see Catherine, she's up first so she's wearing her stage get up. I check her out without shame and she smirks as I lick my dry lips with approval, "You like?"

"I like" I repeat as if stupidly slow, I look up from her body to her eyes, "I really like"

"Good…you can see me taking it off in about half hours time" She explained as she lent on the bar and winked at me.

"Can't wait" I lean back a little, if I'm too close I may just kiss her and that can't happen here. I throw the hand cloth over my shoulder and reach for a glass – "So what can I do for you?" I ask.

"Anything you like babe" It was lucky no one else was around; she was feeling extra flirty tonight. Not that I minded much. "How about you meet me out side back at say ten?"

"I say – as long as you are wearing them leather trousers I saw you come in with"

"I can arrange that" she agrees.

I see her eye wander down my own body, a smile forming on her lips, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you" She explains.

"Is that so?"

She nods her head.

"I'm free tonight, what about you?" She asks.

"I'll have to see – my girlfriend might be coming over"

"IS that right…well, you better get rid off her because it'll be worth your while" With a wink she turns and walks away. I watch her leave, and my eyes linger on her a little longer than they should have. No one seemed to notice though.

* * *

"I was told by some pretty lady to meet her back here" I spoke as I walked into the back ally of the club as you left the back door. Catherine turned from where she was lent against the wall – she was in them black leather trousers and a tight white shirt and she knew it was driving me crazy. 

"Is that the case?" She asked, she pushed shut the back door and then took hold of my hand pulling me into a kiss smouldering, passionate – after a few moments she lent back. Leaving me totally dazed, "Well this pretty lady says thanks for showing"

"My pleasure" I smirked. Taking her hand I lead her a little further down the ally so that the dumpster offered some cover for us – I pressed her into the wall.

Moving my lips to her ear I spoke, "You're looking good up there tonight baby"

"You like?"

"I really, really like" I tell her as my hands find her thighs – the leather clinging tightly to her. She moved her hands to my butt and pulls me in closer so that her leg is between mine – "I saw you talking with that guy at the bar – and I'm really jealous" She explains, "He was checking you out"

I pressed my forehead against hers so that I was looking into her eyes, "You were jealous, aw poor baby" I teased as I pushed my hand up her back. "He's not my type"

"Oh and what's that?"

"Blond, blue eyes, great smile, hot body, funny, sweet, and sexy – oh and a woman" I smirk. She is looking intently at me, she moves forward – her lips hovering over mine – she wanted to say something but she gave up and kissed me deeply. Something had this woman all lost for words – and I think I know what that is. I just told her she was mine, and she liked hearing it.

When I pulled back from the kiss she smiled, and she moved her arms around my neck, I moved mine around her waist and turned so that I was the one who had my back against the wall. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me" She says.

"You're the only person I've loved like this Cat"

"How longs your break?" She asked after a moment of gazing into each others eyes.

"Half hour" I explained.

Her smirk grew wider, she moved her hands down my body and took the keys from my jeans – "Where's the car?" She asked.

"Back of the car lot" I explained not getting this. It was only when I felt the pressure on my jeans alter and felt myself been pulled by my belt that I knew what she was getting at.

"Is it somewhere dark?"

It was at the back, under the trees, didn't get any darker than that, "Cath what are you doing?" I ask, looking around to make sure no one was around.

"Showing you how much I love you"

"In the back of my car?" I ask.

She just smiles.

* * *

Stepping into my apartment she followed, and after tonight's teaser in the back of my car I was more than ready for this. As soon as I had the door shut Catherine was pushed against it and I was on her like an animal claiming its prey. As much as I like these leather pants on her, I couldn't wait to have them off and that's where my hands went to the zipper on her trousers. She stopped me – taking my hands in hers she turned me around and pinned me to the door – "Wait" She br

* * *

eath on my skin before she pulled away with more than a little effort needed to get away from me – I was gasping for air and preying she wouldn't keep teasing me like this all night. 

She backed up into the living room, walking over she switched on the stereo before she came back and took my hand guiding me to the sofa – she pushed me back before straddling me. Her assault on me began…

Three songs, two shirts, two bras and a pair of jeans later my house phone rang, Catherine who was dressed in only a thong stopped kissing me, "Leave it" I tell her – as I pull her back to meet my eyes, "machine will pick it us"

She did as I said and moved back to kissing me. Her tongue sliding back in to meet mine as her hands found the belt buckle on my jeans – I was lost in her onslaught until I hared the voice fill the apartment.

'Sar…Sar answer the phone…come on babe I need you" instantly she pushed back a little. Catherine was confused, some guy calling me babe – of course she's confused. She takes her hand from where they were and moved slightly so that my one hand was free from where it had been – I was breathless and needy – this had better be good. I took the hand piece of the side moving my other hand up her leg until I got to her waist- "Bad time, call back later" I tell him abruptly. He doesn't listen, he seems like he really does need me, "listen man, really bad time" I repeat. Then he does it, he tells me to shut the fuck up and listen so I do, I listen hard – and he says it. "No" I refuse to believe it, "Don't …" he wasn't, I need him to say it, to tell me straight, "no" i tell him filled with an anger i never knew that i had inside me.

Catherine moves from where she is straddling me, to sit at my side. I must be in shock because I'm just sat with the phone not really listening as I feel tears begin to form. I let the phone drop from my hand and sit there in shock.

* * *

**TBC...please tell me what you think and thanks loads for reviewing - you guys are stars  
**


	6. By My Side

**Part 6**

"Baby please tell me what's wrong" Catherine asked as she finished doing up her shirt, I knew that she was stood behind me lingering in the doorway. She didn't know what to do, get closer or back off giving me space and I didn't know what to do myself. I couldn't think straight. It was probably around five minuets since I got the call and all that I knew was that I needed to do something – I couldn't just wait for news. I hadn't said anything since the call, I couldn't. "Baby?" She asked again – I just continued to try and button my shirt and hold back the tears. Neither was going well.

"Fuck" I growled, my hands shaking too much for me to do up my shift. I was becoming angry.

"Here" I hared her soft voice as she took hold of my shoulder and turned me around. I lent against the sink letting my hands drop to my side, I gave up. I was still shaking though – god could I be acting crazier right now? Take deep breaths Sidle, take any breath. I lowered my head and watched as she did my shirt up. "Honey what's going on?" She asked.

"I…I…" My voice faltered as a stray tear tumbled down my cheek. She brought a hand up and ran her thumb over my face. I looked up into her eyes and saw just how scared that she seemed to be. Moving forward I lent into her laying my head against her shoulder I gave into the comfort. Hell I needed it.

"Baby please, talk to me…what happened in there?"

"Rich …got…shot" I tell her eventually, my hands violently tremble now as my knees give way and I push all my weight into her. She takes me in her arms but she can't hold my weight, she lowers me softly to the floor and holds me to her sobbing, crying my eyes out. Why, why was this happening to me?

One of Catherine's hands were pushed into my hair as she held my head against her shoulder, and one around my back holding onto my waist. I couldn't tell you how long I had been in her arms crying out my fear and hurt – probably for around ten minuets. "Please" I speak.

"What baby?" She asks, running her hand up and down my shoulder.

"This can't be happening"

"What can I do Sar?" She asked.

"Drive me to the hospital please" I tell her, so weak and feeble that it hurts me to hear.

* * *

The smell, that sickly clean hospital smell was all that I could concentrate on as I sat in the corridors of the hospital waiting for answers, waiting to hear how Rich was doing. We'd shown up here a little over half hour ago and now there was nothing that I could do but sit and wait. "Here baby"

I looked up to see Catherine standing there with a coffee in hand. I reach up and took the cup off coffee from her – strong and black. "Thanks" I managed. She then took a seat next to me taking my hand in hers.

"Any news?" She asked.

I shook my head, I'd been given no news at all – sure bobby had been sat holding me a while back but he had to go give a call to try and get hold of Rich's brother. Yeah good luck with that and all, since Bobby had left I'd been left alone with my thoughts. "You know, Rich is like a brother to me…" I told Catherine, I let out a pain filled laugh, "He was all over me for messing around with a married woman, _Sara what the hell are you doing, Sara you'll get burned, Sara are you mad?_ He took my hand, he pushed me into a wall and he told me he'd always have my back no matter what I chose, no matter how fucking stupid I was - He's a good guy, never done anything wrong – he doesn't deserve this." Oh god was I crying again? I turned to look at her; Catherine was at a loss, how should she deal with me in this state? "He can't die" I tell her. She nods her head; she seems to understand the pain that I feel. I once again lean into her, she was my strength and I really have no idea how I would have made it through tonight without having her at my side.

* * *

I had been pacing for the last hour and a half now, Rich had been pulled into surgery and we were all waiting for news. Bobby was sat on the plastic chairs in the waiting room we'd been taken to. Catherine was sitting across from him and I was pacing. I felt sick, I felt as though none of this was real. "What happened out there?" I finally get the courage to ask the question that I so badly needed, yet feared, the answer to.

Bobby looked over to me, "He got Car Jacked…they dragged him out his car at the stop sign and capped him twice" he explained sadly.

"Why him?" I ask, though I know that no one can answer that question.

Bobby just leans back in his chair, looking up at the grotty hospital ceiling – "God knows" was all that he said. There was a few moments silence before I saw a smile break across his face and I watched as he closed his eyes – "Remember when you crashed his car into the wall?"

I nodded my head and smiled sadly, "Yeah I do, he was so scared I was hurt that he didn't shout at me over the car. But when he turned up in the hospital all three of us started wrestling in the middle of the waiting room – he was upset that his car had no front and I only had a little stitch."

Bobby laughed out loud and lent forward, "We all ended up having out hands x-rayed"

"Yeah" I walked over taking a seat next to Catherine who took my hand, "Remember the summer barbeque?" I ask.

"He set his shirt alight? Burnet the burgers so we ended up eating Salad and bread!" Bobby explained. I smirked, I lent into Catherine who wrapped her arms around me and I waited, to hear news on weather the memories are all that we have left now.

"I'll get some more coffee" Bobby Says standing, I just nodded my head. He walked away leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.

I turned to Catherine, "baby you better go" I mumble, I don't want her to leave but I know that she can't hang around here all night with me crying into her.

"I'm not leaving you alone Sar" She explained as she ran her hand up and down my arm.

"I have Bobby…and you need to get back or he'll kick off" I told her.

"He'll be too drugged to know I'm not there and I won't leave you, I can't Sara not when you are like this." She refused to go.

"I'm sorry" I tell her

"What for?"

"For doing this to you…I mean this isn't where you want to be…"

"Hey, look even though you may not believe me I'm not just with you for a quick fuck every so often Sara – I love you. That means I want to be here for you weather I have to sit in a hospital room or if I have to hold you on your bathroom floor when you are throwing up. You got me, I love you" I was looking into her blue eyes and swore I saw tears, and this is where I get so confused – why won't she just leave him for me if that is how she feels. I can't argue it out again with her – not tonight and not here so I just wrap my arms around her neck and pull her into a hug.

"Thank you"

Time passed painfully slow, I'm not to sure how long it's been now but the opening of the door was a grateful interruption into the silence that we found ourselves in. "Where is he?" Bobby jumped up from the seat he was in as soon as the doctor entered, we had been here for hours now and there was only so much waiting Bobby could take.

"Are you Richard Williams's family?" The doctor asked.

"No were his friends…" Bobby explained – "Look, we're all he has, his brother is AWL so…"

"Okay Sir…" the woman looked a little detached, so calm – how could she act like this.

I stood up, "How is he?" I ask.

"We got the bullets from him, and managed to stop the internal bleeding – he's still not out of danger but he's through the worst…"I let out a sigh in relief and felt Catherine squeeze my hand in support.

"So he'll be okay?" Bobby is in shock I think – we'd all readied ourselves to hear the worst.

"It's looking very likely that he'll make a full recovery" The doctor smiled, "I'll come and get you when you'll be able to see him"

"Thank you Doctor" I smile a little as tears of relief fall down my cheeks. When she leaves I hug Catherine and then walk over and hug Bobby, "he'll be okay…" I tell him.  
He leans his head on my shoulder and holds me close, he wasn't going to die.

* * *

"Baby, we're here" I hear Catherine words but I'm unable to move, I just sit in the passenger seat of the car staring out into the darkness. "Sar?"

"You know when I saw him lay there…I felt sick. Out of all of us he was least to deserve something like this." I don't think I could cry anymore – I was all cried out, now all I could do was sit there with so much sadness filling me that it physically hurt in my chest. I think Catherine senses that I need to just be here, with her and have someone to talk to. She doesn't pressure me into anything; she just sits, holds my hand and listens to me. We'd gone into the hospital room and I saw him lay there, blood, tubes, machines. He didn't wake up – medical induced coma they called it, all I know was that he was hurt. I sighed – "Will you stay with me for a while?"

"I'll stay as long as you like Hun" She comforted me with a hand on my leg, an offer of reassurance – "Come on, let's get you inside"

I just nodded my head, I turned kissed her softly, a thanks for been here kind off kiss before I got out of the car.

She walked around the front and took my hand and the two of us walked up to my apartment in silence. If she wasn't with me I'm sure that I would not have made it through the night.

I was in the apartment and I led her straight to my bed room – she came without any words or any questions. She already knew what I needed – and when I entered the bedroom she took lead. She moved me over to the bed and sat me down – undoing the shirt that she had done up for me only house before she then lay me down and moved into the bed next to me. "You need to sleep Honey…"

I couldn't sleep, not after what had just happened. Bobby had forced me home telling me not to come back till I'd rested, promising he'd stay with Rich and forcing Catherine to promise to look after me. She did, she didn't need telling by Bobby though. "I'll be right here"

We lay face to face, her hand on my waist my hand on hers as I stared into her eyes "I love you"

"I've got you baby…I love you to" She spoke so softly that I lulled me to sleep – for a good ten minuets she just reassured me that everything would be okay. The last thoughts inside my head as I fell into that sleep was that she was more to me now that she ever had been before – she was with me no matter what, good times, bad times she'd be at my side.

* * *

**thanks for reading guys **


	7. Ripping At My Heart

**Part 7**

Pushing my hands deep into the pockets of my jeans I let the heat fall over my skin, taking a deep breath for the first time it felt like the huge weight that was across my chest was lifting. A call, from Bobby, it was all that I needed – to hear him say that Rich had awoken, and that he was doing okay. Walking towards the hospital entrance it was a relief to know that I wasn't walking into this place and facing death – I was going to be able to talk to Rich, and tell him what a screw up he was scaring me like that. I couldn't help however thinking back to the time only a few nights ago when I was so bad I needed Catherine in order to hold me up, just to help me walk through this place. Things had been pretty hard on me and I know that I've been pushing her away, and when I left here that was something that I was going to have to fix.

Making up to the door way to room 445 I reached forward and knocked lightly before pushing it open. "Hey" I spoke softly.

"Sidle" It was Rich, his weak, horse voice. I looked across the room to see him, lay there, no tubes bar one in his wrist, looking like his usual self. Bear chest, toned body and wearing the biggest 'fuck you' grin, his trade mark.

"Rich" I smiled myself, and walked forward, I put my arms around his neck and pulled him into me, "Fuck you…" I held him tight, "Don't scare me like that"

"Sorry" he apologized, he ran his hand up and down my back comfortingly as I cried lightly onto his shoulder, he was the only one bar Catherine and Bobby who I ever let see my like this – and that was only occasionally. "Nice to know I'm worth a few tears though" he joked.

I slapped his chest, and then I lent back and smiled, "Thank you"

He looked at me, tears in his open eyes, "What for getting shot?" He asked with a smile.

"No for not dieing" I explained with a sigh, "there was so much I never told you…"

"Like?"

I smiled, still crying, "Like asking you for my CDs back"

"Love you" he smiled.

"You to Rich-y"

It was then that the door opened, "Hey Sidle, took your time"

I turned to see Bobby lent there, coffee in his hands, "Had to get pretty" I tell him.

"You sure that you weren't preoccupied, with a certain pretty lady" He winked, walking over he passed a coffee to me, and one to Rich.

"Yeah Sar…I was told that you used it as an excuse to get some loving, you know my whole traumatic attack!" Rich shot.

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah right…you know I was getting some loving just before the call…didn't need the sympathy vote, not when I look like this" I offered happy that things seemed so normal – me bobby and Rich.

"So who is the woman, I need to see her to thank her for holding my Sar when she needed it" Rich asked, I settled into a chair at the side of his bed and Bobby did the same in a chair next to me. "And making sure she didn't take advantage of you"

"She's a good woman" I defended.

"Yeah she's a 'good' woman" Bobby smirked with a raised eyebrow and a wink.

I slapped his leg, "She's mine"

"Yeah…and she's a wife"

I looked across to Rich, my eyes showing a little hurt – he always knows how to get to me huh? I reach across and take his hand, "Rich, dude, my woman, my life…the only reason I'm not at you right now is because you have two holes in you. I know she's a wife, and I know that you think I deserve better but I swear to you she is the best…you'll see"

"Will I?" He asked.

"She's a good one" Bobby stood up, "and she has a hell of a way to comfort you with that hug?" he teased.

"You hugged my girl?" I asked. Bobby just smiled, as did Rick. I slugged him in the arm, "you know the deal, I stay away from your girl and you stay away from mine"

"Oh come on, I couldn't resist" they teased me, it's what they did – and right now I couldn't be happier.

"I'm gonna have to see this one" Rich winked.

That was it, we feel back into just how we were. The three of us, tight, and was I happy about that or what.

* * *

Night fell and here I was, behind the bar again, pouring beer, passing bottles and offering banter to the punters. One after the other they came and left bar the odd few who lingered a little longer and flirted a little. Now however, the bar was empty – things were closing up – one after the other, punters left and dancers came out the dressing room with the most cloths that they had on all night. One dancer caught my eye, a certain blond who I had a lot to make up to for – she was wearing a pair of tight fitting jeans that did great for her figure and a blood red lo slung top with a black leather jacket thrown over the top and a pair of sun glasses over her eyes. I watched her as she flirted with one of the guys, all hair flick, eye lash batting, hand touching flirting – it stung a little I have to admit. I know however what it was though, her job, that was a punter and Catherine was making sure that he came back. I saw an exchange go between the two, he passed her a slip of paper and she just smirked watching him walk away.

Then I saw her, still stood in the same spot she looked down at the paper, but gave no thought to it, as she turned around and strutted towards me she screwed it up and threw it over her shoulder. I smirked, and I knew I was checking her out but couldn't help it – and who am I kidding she loved it, to see me hung up over her. She finally got to the bar and offered that look, the one that tells me exactly what she wants to do – grab me and kiss me like it'll be the last time she can. "Hey you" she growled lowly.

"Hey babe" I offered quietly so no one could hear – though the place was pretty deserted right now.

"So how's Rich?" She asked, I could tell she was truly concerned.

"He's…better…he woke up today…I went to see him and he's, him again." I sighed, "It was rough time seeing him like that." I explained.

"Yeah" Catherine placed her hand on mine that was placed on the bar, a sourced of comfort that I needed.

"He, err can't wait to thank the woman who was there for his Sara" I tell her.

"IS that right?" Catherine asked.

I nodded, "Yeah, it is. And neither can I" I explained with a look that let her know I would 'thank her'.

"Mm…sounds good to me…but it's not necessary"

"It kind of is, I've been cold with you the past few days" I had been, I'd cut off her calls, I'd let her hit the answer machine and on one occasion I'd called her in the middle of the night and cried down the phone. "I just want you to know that I love you"

She looked around, I know this wasn't the time or place but I needed her to know. She just looked at me, I nodded my head, "I know…not here…" I pulled my hand back and reached over grabbing a bottle and popping the top – I slid it across to her before reaching into my jeans and putting the little change into the till. "Just…I could do with a little you and me time"

"Yeah me to" She agreed.

"What about tonight?"

She looked down at the bottle, "I can't…sorry…I have to…go with Eddie"

I just nodded, I'm sure she could see the pain in my eyes but I nodded my head – "No problem"

"No it is a problem" She says, "A problem that I'm causing you – I'm sorry"

"Look I can't do this…not now…could we leave it a few days before we have another debate about you and Eddie…just go be his wife okay? You know where I'll be when you finish up with him."

She looked regretful.

"Its fine" I tell her again forcefully.

Its then that out conversation is cut short, when I hear him call her from across the club, "Hey baby…baby, baby, baby" He was drunk, or high, or both as he stumbled across and wrapped his arm around her waist, pushing her into the bar and kissing on her neck. I looked away uncomfortably. I didn't need to see this, knowing was one thing but seeing. I just looked into her eyes and then I walked away with a nod of my head. I was lying to myself over and over that all this would be okay – that it was alright. Like hell it was alright seeing him necking my woman.

But what could I do?

Nothing…

I got a little down the bar when he called to me, "Hey Bar staff"

_**Bar staff? BAR STAFF!**_

I turned, and looked at him, "yeah?"

Catherine could sense my annoyance, "We should just go Ed" She told him.

"No…we'll have a drink here…two beers, and vodka shots" he ordered with a click of his fingers. No way, was this really happening, not only was I watching them get it on – do the husband and wife shit, now I was tending to them. And the worse thing about it, I couldn't walk away – there was still half hour on the clock., and how interesting this would be…half hour serving them both, acting as if this wasn't ripping at my heart.

I pushed the drinks in front of them both, his hands were all over her, moving under her shirt and doing the exact thing that I should be doing, not him. I had to look away, and I noticed her look down, not making eye contact with me – her hands were all over him though – in his hair, pulling at his shirt. I wanted to be sick. His credit card was face down on the bar – great – he had an open tab; he was here till the end of the night. Okay so it wasn't that long, but for me it was too long – I just hoped I could hold onto my temper.

* * *

**Thankyou sooo much, for reading this and reviewing. It gives my muse a real boost knowing that you like ;) thanks lot dudes. U guys r the best  
**


	8. On My Side

**Part 8**

Falling back onto my bed I was more than happy to forget all about back at the club, try and erase the images that formed while they both sat at the bar. It was going to take a hell of a lot of scotch to get rid of this though – I lent against the head board, put the stereo on and unscrewed the cap. I know this isn't how I should deal but, I really had no other way. What use was it arguing this out with her? I mean she wasn't going to leave him – if she was going to do it she would have one of the many times he put his fist in her face. There was nothing that I could do. With a little time I'm hoping she'll come to her senses, though I don't want to think about this, I know that there is only so long I can keep this up.

I always dream of her coming to my door, her packed bags thrown over her shoulder, with a smile on her face telling me that she was all mine. Yeah I can dream – because I know that I'll never happen. If I did, I'd throw all our stuff in the back of my car and we'd start a new life, a life away from all of this shit. But this could never happen.

My stereo was so loud, that it filled me. The base beat in my chest and the melody did it's best to relax me. It's funny, the way things turn out. After my fucked up start it this world I had always vowed that I'd live my life right, live it the way that things should be. If I had a family I'd do things how they should be done – you know the whole picket fence, fluffy dog type thing. Yeah right, I'm fucking another mans wife wanting something I can't have – there goes the living my life right. It's not as easy as you think you know. Maybe I should feel guilty, but I don't – Eddie doesn't care about Catherine and I know that he's been with god knows how many other women. If he cared he'd love her how she should be loved, and treat her right. The way he treats her is no better than the way you'd treat a dog.

But who was I to say or do anything to fix this; I was only the woman who loved her

* * *

Moving slowly down the corridor I pushed the sunglasses that I had been wearing up so that they were rested on the top of my head – my hair falling freely. Due to the amount that I drank last night I looked like hell – my eyes were blood shot, my mouth still dry despite the water I'd been drinking and a dull pain that was throbbing in the back of my head running down into my neck. I finally got to the door and pushed it open – "hey" 

"Sar…hey" Rich smiled as I walked in, he was looking more like his old self.

"Thought you'd want some company" I explained knowing that Bobby was at work.

"No idea how bad" he explained, "What you got in the bag?"

I took steps towards the bed that he was lay in, with the brown paper bag that I had clutched to my chest. "Well thought you'd want some real food" I explained with a smile.

"You thought right" he nodded and reached forward. I passed him the bag, and then gave him a hug before taking a seat on the chair next to the bed. "What you got in here?" he asked as he began pulling it out, Fries, cheese burgers, milkshake – chocolate, Magazines and a MP3 player of mine. "Sar, baby you're the best" he smirked. The happiest I've seen him.

"I know I am" I joked, "Don't let the nurses see I've brought that in" I tell him.

"No way are they getting this off me" he smirked, as he began to dive into the fries. He offered them to me but I refused.

"Sara refusing fries? What's up?"

"Bad night" I explained.

"Mm, so what…the blond a bad influence on you? Get you drunk and take advantage?" he asked threw the fries he'd put in his mouth.

"No, the blond, wasn't there last night" I explained leaning back.

"Ah, and there was the problem" he reached for the milkshake as he said this, "You must have it bad"

"Can we not talk about this?" I ask him, reaching over to the side table in his room and taking an apple. "How are you feeling?"

"Better now…"

"Cause I'm here?" I asked.

"Nope, because you brought real food" He smiled, "Doc said I'd be out off here soon"

"Sounds good"

"Yeah…"

"Well, you're stopping with me" I tell him.

"I'm what?" he sounded shocked and nearly choked on the bite of burger.

"Your not going home on your own – not till I say so" I explain, "You can stay at mine…"

"You got one bed room" he pointed out.

"It's not like we've never slept in the same bed. And if you feel that uncomfortable I got a sofa that pulls out into a bed" I tell him. "Come on, a week, you and me like the good old days. You scared the shit out of me so you owe me big." I explained.

"Same bed?"

"Just because you're in my bed don't mean that I'm going to sleep with you. You're not that irresistible" I tell him. He laughs.

"But Sar…"

"No…Rich, you were shot. Please let me look after you…"

He gave up arguing with me, and then he sat talking about all this crap. About Bobby's new girl, about the good old days but some how he'd managed to get back onto the subject of me and Catherine. "So what's different?"

"What?" I asked.

"With this one, whys she so special?"

"Why are you so interested with me and Cath?" I ask, overly curious as to the reason that he was so interested. Usually, he lets me be – just a few questions but it seems lately that any conversation that I have with him ends up been about her.

"Look, I'm in here – and all I can do is worry that your making a fool of yourself… you don't have me around to show you how to do it. How to get your girl…" He smiled, here he was, the player was giving me yet more tips on how to pick women up.

"I don't need your help…I'm doing pretty well on my own" I defended.

"Well you're not doing it right; if you were she'd have left her guy" He teased.

"I'm not doing this with you" I growled, I stand from the seat and walk over to the window.

"Why?"

"Because, she means too much to me to talk about her like she's just some fuck" I explained.  
"Wow, sidles got this one bad" He joked throwing the empty fries' box at me. I just threw it back.

"Back off" I growled.

"Hey look, I'm just saying…" he held up his hand, "For you to be infatuated with her like this. I mean, she's got another guy right?" I just looked at him without a word, where the hell was he going with this. "Well does that mean that you can go with other people?"

"I don't want other people Rich" I tell him abruptly.

"But if you wanted."

"Well I don't" I growled, "I love her" I was getting pissed now.

"But she's with him, like every night…don't that bug you"

"Why are you doing this Rich? Putting her down, I love her, she's the only good thing I have going for me. So she's got a husband…no reason to end it."

"Okay, fine…look all I'm saying is that you must really love her to put up with all her shit"

"Yeah well I do" I shout.

"You know what when I was with that blond girl, you know from Frisco…you lectured me, for days and days about how she was in a 'Committed' relationship and so on…you are a hypocrite, you are doing the exact same thing…" He shifted in the bed leaning back and looking at me, I did stop for a minuet – and looked to the floor.

"It's different" I mumbled.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because…the blond had kids" I explain.

"So what, if Catherine had kids you'd back off…"

I sighed, "Yes…No…I don't know…"

Before he could say anything else my mobile rang, I pulled it out of my pocket and answered it before looking at the caller ID. "What?" I barked having been wound up by Rich I wasn't up for any of this.

"Hey baby, you okay…" It was Catherine.

"Oh hey" my voice softened, "Yeah I'm fine…" I tell her.

"_You know you could be messing with my machines with that mobile on in here, I'll die"_

"Your not going to die…." I shouted to him before turning my back and looking out the window, "sorry" I apologized

"Hey no problem" She spoke so softly it made me wonder where she was – "You with Rich…"

"Yeah…I am… he's fine, much better" I tell her.

"Tell him to get better"

"I will do. SO what are you doing?"

"Nothing much… just wanted to make sure we were okay after last night."

"Well why wouldn't we be?" I asked.

"You were serving us Sar, and he was been an ass" She explains as if I have forgotten. I just rested my head on the glass. I know he was been an ass.

"Look Cath, not a conversation you want to be having with me right now" Rich has already wound me up and hearing her retell the events of last night was the last thing that I needed.

"Sar…"

"I'm fine" I answered before she could ask that question – _how are you? _How the hell did she think that I was? I then took a breath and softened my voice, "really, I'm fine…"

"_I'm not"_ Rich called, as he tried but failed in reaching the magazine on the side. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the window.

"We should talk"

"No I'm sick of talking…the next time I see you we do no talking" I tell her abruptly. Then I do the thing that I know I was going to get stick for of Rich, acted all soppy – "I miss you"

"I miss you to" She whispered.

"Where are you Hun?" I asked.

"At home" She explains.

"With…?"

"He's in the shower…" Catherine told me.

"Are you okay?" I ask her, as I run my hand nervously on my jeans. I lent into the wall.

"Yeah I…we…" then there was a break, a gap – just her breathing lightly.

"I…we…what?" I ask sensing something was off. "Cath, what's wrong with you…"

"Can I meet you?" She then asks after another round of silence.

"Yeah sure…where?" I asked, no way would I say no when she sounded like this.

"I don't know…brooks Coffee shop?" She offered softly.

"When?"

"Couple of hours…"

"I'll be there" I tell her.

"thanks"

"Are you sure you're okay…you don't need me to come over?" I did not like how this was going, she didn't sound like the Cath I know. "I can be there in five minuets if you…"

"No…no it's…fine…" She stops me, then she sighs, "Love you"

"Love you more" I sigh myself, "Just promise me your okay!"

"I…I will see you later Sar" With that she cut the call of. I slammed my phone shut and put it in my back pocket.

"Hey everything okay?" Rich asked.

"Yeah, fine…" I snap back.

"Sar…" he began but I cut him off.

"I don't need to hear it…nothing about her husband or her you got me" I shoot at him as I walk over and throw the magazine he'd wanted earlier.

"I was just going to say…I see how much you care for her, and I'm just pissing you off…what else am I good for" He reached out and took my hand, "She obviously gives a damn about you"

"You think?" I asked.

"Well, from what I can tell. You're a smart woman Sar…you wouldn't be in this if there was nothing there"

"Yeah" I mumbled.

All I could do right now was worry about Catherine, what had happened? Was it Eddie, please don't let him have hit her again. "Thanks…It means a lot to have someone on my side" I tell him.

"I'm always on your side, and by the way I don't mind if you want me to sleep with you" he joked.

"Next to me" I correct, "There's a difference"

"Hey once I'm in that bed you'll forget all about Catherine…" He winked. I rolled my eyes.

* * *

_thanks alot for reading this guys, my muse has had a real boost on this fic lol. I'll update my others when i get more time. Thanks again!_ **SV **


	9. More Than Sure

**Part 9 **

Half hour, half an hour I've been sat here… waiting for her to show.

Where the hell was she?

I couldn't help but think the worst; he'd started on her again!

Maybe I should have just gone around to hers, just to make sure.

I was sat in the back corner of the dingy coffee shop about a forty minuet drive heading off the strip and into the desert. A little place that I like to call, the stone, that myself and Catherine hid under in order to make sure no one sees us together and finds out that we have something going on. It's the kind of place you'd expect, a family owned wooden shack, with the odd few customers scattered around the place. An old guy in the corner, and couple that look like they had been travelling for the last three days straight and me who probably looks worse than them all.

As I began to wonder if I should head back into the heart of Vegas and go look for Catherine the door opened and the familiar blond walked in, not in her usual happy way – where she was happy to swagger on over with a smirk on her lips. She had her dark sun glasses on, her hair hanging down and her hands pushed into her jeans. I stood up and moved out from the table. "Hey"

She just walked into me, no words and wrapped her arms around me holding on as if she was going to lose me. I put my arms around her waist and we just held each other for the moment. "Baby you okay?" I whispered into her ear. She didn't answer me, she just lent back a little – "Thanks for coming"

"Of course I came…" I was really worried about her now, "How come you wanted to meet me out of here?" I ask. She didn't answer, placing my hand on her lower back I guided her to the table, "Here take a seat…I'll get you a coffee"

"Thanks"

That's what I did, walked over to the counter and ordered two black coffees. The woman passed them over and I paid before taking them and walking back. "Here you go babe" I push one over to her and take my seat opposite. Reaching across I then took her hand in mine – "Cath?" I asked lowly letting her know that there was so much more behind that utterance.

"Always seems like I call you when I'm all fucked in the head huh? And I just expect you to sit and listen to me…"

"Stop" I tell her, "Tell me what happened"

There are a few moments of silence and she lowers her head to look at our hands, "He knows!"

"He knows what?" I ask

"That I've been with someone else" She manages.

"How?" I ask harshly, instantly regretting it, to show her that I wasn't pissed at her I ran my thumb over the top of her hand.

"I don't know he just does…" She looked back up to me, "he doesn't know it's you." Then it hits me, I reached forward and pushed her hair behind her ears before I pulled off her sun glasses slowly. There is a cut just above her eye.

"Fuck" I growled.

"It's nothing" She tells me, "I'm fine"

"Baby you don't look it" I tell her, "He lost it last night huh?"

"He drank way too much…" She tells me, "And convinced himself that I was sleeping with Ryan. Look, he did this and he had no proof just some crazy thought, Sara if he finds out about us he'll kill you. I can't let that happen"

"Wait, are you quitting on me, on us?" I asked her, I was so scared that she would answer _yes_.

"No, I…I don't know" She tells me.

I think she picked up on just how hurt I was as I sunk back into my chair, letting my hand drop from hers. I was in shock – I'd given so much to her. Put up with so much shit – was she really doing this to me. I just sat there in shock. After a few moments, I got my voice back – "What do you mean you don't know?" I growled.

"I don't want to see you hurt…"

I let out a hate filled laugh, "Too late…"

"Sara"

"no…I think…think I get it…you're breaking up with me…" without letting another beat go I stood up. But before I could move I felt her take my hand, gripping it tightly.

"NO…Sar…"

I just look at her…

"Please, sit…"

"What? make myself comfortable, before you break my heart?" I shoot back.

She leans back with a sigh, "I'm screwing this up more than I thought was possible"

"I don't get you…you rang me, asked me if we were okay. Why the hell would you do that if you were going to end it?" I ask as I sat back down in my seat.

"It's not like that…I don't want to lose you, end what we have but if he finds out…he'll hurt you." She explains.

"Let me look after myself…" I tell her, "right now you're hurting me more than he ever could."

"I don't want to lose you" She explains.

"You're making no sense" I growl again.

"I'm scared" She growls back with as much force. And seeing that fear reflected in her eyes shut me up. I just sat looking at her, reaching forward I took her hand in mine again.

"I'm sorry" I tell her.

She shakes her head and looks to the table.

"What if he finds you?"

"He's scared you bad huh?" I ask my voice now a lot calmer, softer.

"Yeah"

"I promise, I won't let him hurt me"

"How will you stop him?"

"Look, you can't think about stuff like this. I know what I'm getting into, and what the risks are of this. Get me? I know that by been with you I'm risking been beaten to death but your worth it." I explain, "Look at me Hun"

She does, "Sara…"

"Look, you need to tell me now…if you want to end it - do it. Please don't play me"

"I don't" Catherine said, "I don't want to lose you"

"Well then, stop worrying about him…when we are together it's us"

She nods her head, and I lean across and kiss her softly, running my thumb over her cheek and pushing my fingers into her hair.

* * *

I had convinced her to leave her car back at the coffee shop and we'd take my car somewhere. "You didn't get much sleep huh?" I asked her as she lent her head against the window.

"No, he argued with me all night" She tells me.

"You should have come over" I tell her.

"I thought about it…" She admits.

I placed my hand on her knee, and continue to drive – she welcomes the gesture as she moves across and leans into me resting her head on my shoulder. I have to admit that I'm scared to hell that she's going to end it all. I have no idea what he'd done to her last night to scare her so much but I hate him more for it. "You know that night you asked me about my brother?"

"yeah?" She asked, opening her eyes now and looking up. I understand why she's shocked, I never talk about my family.

"I…told you he was back in Frisco, at the B and B that my family had." She nodded her head, "Well he called me the other night… wanted me to… come home"

"Go home?"

"Yeah… he's, getting married…and I was kind of…hoping you could come with"

I was going out there I know, I had planned on building up to this but having her nearly end what we have today made me not give a damn. "You want me to go back home with you?"

I shrug my shoulders, "If you can't that's…fine…I…just wanted to…you know"

She moved an arm around my waist, "Sara I love you"

"I love you to babe!"

"I'll see what I can do about getting away with you" She explained.

"I'm sorry if it's all so…sudden. I mean it's a big…"

"Sar…I'm glad that you want me to be with you."

"Really…"

"Yeah…look about …in the coffee shop. He just really got to me last night. He was going off on one about killing anyone he found near me. I'm sorry"

"It's fine; just … don't let him get to you …"

"Easier said…" She mused, she then put her hand on mine, "You really want me with you?"

"Yeah…easier to face my past if there's someone to stop me from going of the rails" I explained, "I want you with me, you're the only person I trust" That was it, me doing what I hate – showing her just how emotionally connected I was. With any lover prior I'd never have admitted that. I'm the cold hard bitch – but some how with her it's different. With her I'm a different person.

We settled into a comfortable silence, the two of us thinking about everything. I'm actually a little worried about her because she's never gone crazy on me like she did earlier. I think this thing with Eddie is starting to wear her down, totally destroy her if I don't do something. I just don't understand what I can do. We continued the drive down the empty dust track – happy to just be with each other.

* * *

"Bobby I'll show up later on…" I speak into the phone, "Yes, with Cath" I smirk a little, "No you're not talking to her. I'll talk to you later…bye" I cut my mobile off and pushed it into my pocket.

"Everything okay?" She asks me as she moves her head to rest on my chest. I was sat with my back rested against a tree, Catherine in my arms.

"Bobby wants me to play poker with him and Rob" I tell her with a smirk.

"If you want to…it's fine" She tells me.

"I want nothing more than to be with you…they hustle me anyway" I explain, I run my hand down her shoulder as we both look out over the lake, "Told them I'd catch up later"

Catherine just nodded her head, then after a moment's silence she spoke, "This is beautiful" I smile, and nod, it is. A lake in Vegas, surrounded by greenery, was rare.

"Yeah it is" I tell her.

The two off us had been sat here for a good hour, talking about things – but avoiding the subject of family, husband or past - we just talked about stuff. But I felt like this was the time, to open up to Catherine. "I remember this time when I was a kid. One of the very few times that mom and Dad held it together long enough to leave the house and act like a normal family, they took us to this place in San Francisco. My brother, he loved the water, my dad took us swimming – and that's the only memory I have of us playing happy families. I think that's why I like it up here…you know…I can pretend like, I had the family, the picket fence…kind of life…" I stop let my voice drift off and I just looked out at the rippling water.

"You never talk about your family much" She speaks, and I feel her looking at me, sat round in my arms.

"Not much of a family to talk about" I tell her. "I don't know…" I shrug my shoulders, "I've never told anyone that"

"You can tell me anything" Catherine reassures as she moved one of her hands up my arm.

"That's one of the reasons I love you" I tell her.

"So how did you meet Rich and Bobby?"

"Back in Frisco…they were part of the group I used to hang around with – we all kind of grew up together and then, I moved up here and they came with…"

"They are good guys" Catherine said.

"Yeah they are…" I nod my head. "So what about you how was your childhood?"

"Pretty normal…until I hit eighteen, started stripping and married Eddie, that's when I fucked up. Worst thing that I ever did…"

I just nodded my head, "You have a sister right?"

"Yeah…haven't spoken to her in a few years though…we had a fight, she doesn't approve with how I live my life."

"Sorry about that"

"No need to be sorry – truth is I probably deserved it. I robbed from her, some money to pay for Eddie's drugs. What kind of a person robs of there own sister huh? I'm the screw up of the family." She explained, I hear a hint of regret –I didn't know what to say to that, just held her a little bit closer. "I feel safe when I'm with you" she tells me.

"Same here"

We sat for a further half hour next to the lake in the solitude, before I stirred from the comfortable silence, "Want to head back?" I ask her.

"Can we go back yours baby?"

"You sure?" I ask.

"I just want you to hold me. We could get some pizza, a movie? Just hang out."

I smile, "I like the sound of that."

"Yeah"

"You want to pick your car up?"

"Nah, I'll get it tomorrow…I just want to be with you"

"Where's Eddie?"

"He's gone away…he'll be back tomorrow"

I just nod my head.

* * *

The credits rolled across the screen, I looked from the screen to Catherine who was sat at my side – both of us had our legs rested on the coffee table. "Can I get you a drink baby?" I ask as I get up from my seat and pick up the pizza box.

"Beer sounds good" She nodded. I just walked into the kitchen area. Reaching forward as I stood lent against the counter, I picked up a pack of cigarette and took one out lighting up. Then I go about getting the bottles from the fridge before I walk back over to Catherine. I hold out the bottle.

"There you go babe"

"Thanks" She takes it from me. I take a seat so that I am facing her. Moving a little closer so that I can rest my hand on her leg running it softly up and down – She just leans her head on the back of my sofa looking into my eyes. "How much do you hate me for what I put you threw back there?" She asks.

"What?"

"Sometimes I…I hate myself for hurting you"

"Cath stop…don't do this…" I tell her as I pull my hand back, and push it threw my hair – leaning back, "Just… don't"

"Why…I know you hate me for doing this…" She spoke firmly, "…for letting him hit me, for not leaving him for you…"

"Why do you always do this… you know what Cath, I don't get much you and me time and when I do I really don't want to do this." I was getting pissed off now and she knew it. I just lifted the bottle to my lips and drank a mouthful of beer. Then there was silence and I looked over to the TV that was now a blank screen.

After sat here, looking at the screen for god knows how long she moved over me, straddling my lap – she looked into my eyes, "Okay…I'm sorry…"

"Forget it" I tell her.

She took the cigarette from me and dubbed it out on the ashtray that was at my side, and then she threw her attention my way again. The hand that I wasn't holding the beer with fell to her waist and I ran my thumb over her skin. And this scared me so much, that she was able to have such control over me – was able to make me forget, there was no one who ever had a hold on me like she did. Usually I'd turn away, but now, as I looked up into her blue depths I spoke – my voice low and husky. "Kiss me"

She moves her free hand up my body – and to my neck where she pushed it into my hair and then moved forward pushing her lips softly onto mine. My hand moved a little under her shirt at the back – as the kiss deepened.

* * *

Sometimes I wonder if I was crazy, if I went out my way to get hurt!

If, in some sick twisted way, I got off on it.

I need therapy, I'm seriously fucked up. Running my hand down her bear skin on her back I hared her steady breathing falter – a sharp intake. I smile played across my lips – I loved when I had an effect like this on her. She had one of her arms draped across my waist and her head rested on the pillow at my side facing me. If I could freeze time then, it'd probably be this moment. Where I could just sit and look at her –

She was so sexy, her swollen lips, her golden hair falling messily and her body so relaxed in my arms. Oh god, this was too much for me. I lent over slightly capturing her lips in mine – I ran my tongue softly over her bottom lip before moving my hand down her soft skin to the base of her back. I felt her sift and turn slightly, a smile formed over her lips before she deepened the kiss by opening her mouth and allowing me access. I groaned into her mouth as I felt her hand slide down my back and pull me on top of her as she rolled onto her back. I pulled back and smiled as she opened her eyes – "Good morning baby"

"Mm, yeah it is…" She smiled back, "That was a great way to wake up"

"You like?" I had my elbows rested at each side of her to hold myself up. "Well baby… get used to it."

"Mm" She lifted her finer and ran it down the side of my face, "Baby… last night was…" Her words faded out into a smirk.

"Yeah…it was" I tell her as I lower myself to her again, "…it really was" I murmured against the pulse on her neck before I began to suck on it.

She groaned, and her hands slid further down into the waist band of my shorts. She tilted her head back and I felt her nails claw at me, With this she then turned – taking me by surprise I found myself on my back with her on top of my as she moved down and kissed me with so much passion. This, here – it was heaven!

* * *

"Coffee?"

"Sounds great…" I tell her as I walk into the kitchen area and wrap my arms around her waist resting my head on her shoulder. I could smell the shampo in her hair making me remeber the shower that the two of us had shared. It was funny, this, it was what i drreamed of. The two of us living a life like this, a normal life, where we drank coffee in the morning, slept in the same bed, woke up in each otehrs arms and were happy. Nothing got in our way, and our arguments consisted of what to watch on tv and who's turn it was to cook - that was it.

"Mm, hey…"

"Hi" She continues to go about making the coffee as I hold onto her, i don't want to let go because as soon as i do i know that the dream comes to an end becuase at some point in the too near future we were going to have to jump into my car and i'd have to drop her off at that coffee shop - at her car so that she could drive back home and begin her life with him again.

"Baby…are you in a good mood?" I ask.

"yeah…a real good mood…why?" Catherine asked.

"Because…I kind of…have something to tell you"

"Which is?" She asks.

"That I have a guy moving in here with me" i keep my face a seriouse as i can.

"really?" She asked, with a raised eye brow

"Yeah…" I smiled as I kissed her neck, "Rich is staying here with me till he gets better"

"That sounds good…"

"You okay with it?"

"Yeah…why wouldn't I be…"

"Just because…" I shrugged "I just wanted to run it past you"

"Well consider my ran past, and I'm still in a good mood" Catherine smiled, then she turned around in my arms so we were now facing, she was pressed into the counter.

"Thanks"

"What for…"

"Just, thanks" I tell her with another shrug. I then lower my one hand from her waist and move it to my jean pocket – "I have something for you"

"For me?" She asked. I nodded my head; I was a little nervous, okay more than a little. I actually think that my hand is shaking.

Taking it from my pocket I held it out to her, "I just…I want you to have it"

She opened her hand and I dropped it into her palm – for a few moments there was silence as she just looked at it. Then she looked up at me, "Your key?"

I nodded my head, "yeah…"

"You…" She stopped and looked down at the key. Yes, big commitment step for me, and she knows it. I shrug my shoulders, "I trust you, I love you. That's all that there has to be for me to know this is what I want. Look, you can come and go as you want – and if, and I mean if he ever, starts to lose it and I'm not around all you have to do is come over here and let yourself in." It was all I wanted, for her to be safe – this way I figured, if he ever hurts her and I'm not around she still has a place to be where she's safe.

"Sara…I…"

I was afraid what she was about to say, so I responded - "You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I love you" I tell her in a rush.

"God…I love you to…" She smiled as she pulled me into her kissing me.

Oh, relief, I wasn't sure how it would have gone…but thank god…it went well.

"Are you sure?" She asked.

"More than sure…I gave it a lot of thought for a while now and last night just showed me what you mean to me. I really, really don't want to lose you Cath…"

She just lowered her head to my shoulder and I noticed a tear. "You're crying? Shit…I mead you cry?" I ask her as I run my hand up her back comfortingly. Inside, dieing – what the hell did I do?

"No…well…I…yeah" She murmured, "Happy Crying"

"You sure?" I ask.

"More than sure"

I smile now, as she leans back and looks into my eyes pressing her lips into mine.

* * *

**TBC** – _thank you all so much for the reviews. I'm having a lot of fun with writing this one and knowing you guys like it makes it that much better. Thank you!_ **SV**


	10. You And Me

**Part 10  
**

"Stop been so macho Rich…just put your God damn arm around my shoulder" I growl.

He leans on the car that I had managed to lift him out of, now he's stood, holding his side just looking at me, I'm not amused – I have a split lip from where his hand accidentally hit me as he nearly fell as the two off us made our way from the hospital with him refusing a wheel chair. All I wanted to do was get him up the steps and into my god damned apartment.

"Look, I can do it…" he argued.

"Rich, you have holes in you, you can't…Bobby, help me out" I pleaded as I looked to where Bob was sat on the bonnet of the car.

"If he wants to go by himself let him" He explained with a shrug as he sat with his sun glasses pushed onto the top of his head. I'd like to know why I'm the one with a blood stained shirt and a split lip and there is nothing wrong with him. I growled in frustration – "Rich you can't stand…"

"I can…and I don't see why I can't be at home" He was going all out now.

I shook my head in annoyance, I'm sure they planned this. The two of them planned to royally piss me off. Bobby began to speak, "Hey man, you get to sleep with Sara…why the hell are you arguing?"

Rich smirked and looked at me.

"Next, he sleeps next to Sara!" I confirm – "Come on, let's get up and inside…"

Rich takes a step but takes a sharp intake of breath, "Okay…" He decided, sounding a little winded, "I'll take that help."

I smile, I win! I move over and wrap my arm around his waist as he puts his draped over my shoulder – it's a good job that I run and work out so that I can take his wait. The further we walk the heavier he becomes however.

"So do I get to see you girl yet?"

"She's not here" I tell him.

"Oh, with the husband, a little quality time!" He joked.

I jabbed him in his lower ribs and was happy when he took a sharp intake of breath and lent forward a little. That shut him up!

This was going to be a hell of an experience -

* * *

"Sar … where's the beer?" Bobby asked me, shouting from the kitchen, I was stood in the bathroom washing the blood from my face.

"What?" I asked.

"Beer! Where is it?" He shouted again.

"None left…Grab a soda" I shout back as I look at my reflection in the mirror. I imagine Catherine coming up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling me close. For some reason I feel a little needy today and that wouldn't be a bad thing – having her hold me. I kind of want here to just be with me some days – not doing mush just hanging around, watch crappy tv, fight over what to eat, just be together.

"Where are you?"

I swing around to the voice, stood in the doorway – Bobby held up a coke, "I'm not drinking this if I have to be round you two all day…I'm going to head to the store – you need anything?"

"Err, just what ever you want to eat" I tell him, a little distant.

"Where were you just then?" He asked.

"In my head" I tell him, "and listen Rich can't drink with the meds that he's on so…get him some more soda"

"Okay, no problem…" Bobby walks off. I follow him out, still in my shirt and jeans that have the blood on – I sighed, "Get some scotch as well while your out…I settle up when you get back"

He smiled, and lowered his hand into his pocket, "Hitting the bottles hard huh?"

"Nothing to do with you"

"Well, I'll set Rich on you if you don't pace yourself Sar" I know this was his way of showing concern.

We walked into the living area and I saw Rich playing the computer console – he had one leg rested on my coffee table and the other on the floor. I have to say he looked much happier now that he wasn't sat in a hospital. "Hey, can I get you anything?"

"I could get used to this, waited on hand an foot"

"Yeah well don't, it's only while your sick" I tell him.

"I'm not sick" he returns, "And I'm fine thanks" I nod my head and sit on the arm of the Chair, "I'll see you guys latter then"

As Bobby opens the door, I hear him start talking, "Hey…nice to see you again…go on in" I look to the doorway and see Catherine walk in to view. I stand and a smile forms on my face, "Hey hun…" I beam.

She smiles, and pushes her sun glasses atop her head. Rich turns to see who it is as I walk into and embrace and a smoldering kiss. I pull back – "No idea how much…" I tell her as she questions my forcefulness with her eyes. Truth was I did need her.

"Hey to you to" She smirks, her hands find there way to my waist and I'm happy to feel her fingers run softly in circles. It sends a hot, burning sensation through me, I lean on her shoulder and hug her warmly.

"Not that I'm complaining but what are you doing here?" I ask, she can probably tell that something's different because I have my arms around her waist ensuring that she doesn't move anywhere.

"Missed you" She explains with a shrug.

I smile at this and lean forward again, a soft kiss this time.

It's broken, however when I feel something hit me off the back, I turn to see Rich looking my way moving to Catherine's side with my arm around her waist still holding her against me. "Hey introduction" He growled as he through a cigarette packet at me that fell next to the pack of matches that hit me earlier.

"Sorry" I say, "Cath, this is Rich, Rich, Cath" I explain, as I push my hand into the wait band of the jeans she is wearing.

"I'd get up and shake your hand but…Sar told me I couldn't move so…" Rich held out his hand – Catherine smiled and took a step forward reaching out.

"Well, it's nice to meet you…" She says.

"You to" He explained, "I've hared a lot about you…"

I held my breath, no please, don't start.

"Is that so?" Catherine asked.

"Yeah, it is…" He looked to me, and I was convinced he was going to bring up Eddie, or…the stripping…oh shit… I gave him the look. "…I hear you were the one holding Sar over the last few days so…I think I owe you a big thank you"

"Just get better" Catherine tells him, "That's thanks enough" She explains.

I sigh in relief, I don't even offer anything instead I just walk behind Catherine and wrap my arms around her waist. "I think I still need to thank you for that" I whisper into her ear. She moved one of her hands and placed it on my thigh - I smirk.

"Well, I'm going to give you two a little space and grab a sleep – Mind if I…" he looks towards the bed room.

"I'll give you a hand" I tell him.

This time he doesn't argue, he must be really tired, he actually looks it. Hew just let me help him up, I'm supporting his weight again. "Nice to meet you Catherine, I'll talk to you again" he assures.

"You to, hope you feel better"

"Thanks"

I smile, as I drag Rich towards my room. He moves his head to my shoulder – he must be real tired.

* * *

"Hey you" I walk out onto the balcony as she stand looking out across the city. I move my arms around her waist and hold her close as I to look over the city – the people wondering around, the world passing us by.

"Everything okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, just the meds…" I explain, "He'll be fine"

She nods her head. Then she fell silent – something was on her mind, I could tell.

"Want to talk to me?"

She shrugs her shoulders, "I was walking to my Car, and I was on my way home but…I just needed to see you" She explained.

I was happy with that… I mean, who wouldn't be? "Well, I'm glad you did, because I've been thinking about you" I tell her, "Tell me that you're okay"

"I'm better than okay" She explains. Then she turns in my arms, so now she is pressed against me – facing each other. I smirk and take the banister behind in my hands pulling myself close against her – "What happened to you baby?" she spoke seriously, as she moved her hand over my split lip and ran it down the front of her shirt.

"Nothing…just Rich…a little unstable on his feet, fell and I took his fist to my face" I lean forward and rest my forehead against hers – "It's nothing hun" I reassure her.

"you sure…I can kiss it better if you like" She teased, as she brought her lips closer to mind. Before they met however, she pulled back – this happened a few times before I lent forward and caught her in time. I loved how she smirked into my kiss before I deepened it

"Better?" She asked,

"Much" I nodded a slight dopey-ness about me.

"Good" She smiled before she turned again in my arms. I lent into her wrapping my arms around her.

Pushing her hand through her hair she sighed, it's a change, the two of us been together without her been assaulted by her supposed … no…I'm not going there. Things just seemed so right today. I don't know how long there was silence between the two of us but honestly I was just happy to hold her. She however, wasn't thinking the same as me – "Baby?"

"Hum?" I replied dreamily.

"…do you believe in fate?" she asked, cautiously incase I thought she was crazy. Honestly this was not something that I was used to, hearing her start acting like this.

"Fate, as in – everything happens for a reason?" I ask her.

She nodded her head, leaning back resting on my shoulder and closing her eyes, "Yeah"

"Yeah…" I nod my head, "I do"

"I…never regret or look back, because if I do…I know I'll feel so sick inside about everything that I've done." She tells me, and I hear the pain and regret surface. I have no idea what has cased her to start thinking like this.

"Hun…!" I ask, as I move one hand under her shirt trying to offer comfort.

"Sorry…" She says.

"No, don't be" I tell her, "What are you thinking about?"

"My life so far…and how you are the only good thing that ever happened!" She explained.

My heart burned alight with that statement. I stopped, for a moment looking at her, she opened her eyes and locked her blue orbs with me. She was serious – and I think it was at this moment in time that I knew I would never let her go. I was so unsure of my voice, and for good reason as it barely sounded a whisper – "I love you" I've never said that and meant it as much as I do right now. If I died here, I wouldn't care because she knows how I feel and I know that she's mine.

She kissed me, again passionately for a time until I pulled back – right now I was in heaven. I looked away from her over the city and I must have pulled away too quickly – because she turned and took my hand "baby…what…?"

"I…it…" I couldn't even string a sentence together, "…feels like I'm dreaming" I explained, "I've never had someone like you love me before" I explain.

"Well get used to it" She whispers. I smile and lean further into her –

* * *

I was sat to the side with my back against the corner; she was sat between my legs with her back rested on my chest as I had my arms around her waist playing the games console. The two of us had spent the last hour together – I have no idea where Bobby has got to and I have no idea how long Rich will be asleep for but what I do know is that I love just hanging around with her and doing stupid stuff getting into stupid conversations. "You know I never thought you'd be the type to sit on a computer game"

"I have friends like Bobby and Rich, it's what they do" I explain to her.

She nodded her head –

"I was thinking … about going to your brothers with you… I'll come"

"You will" I pause the game and look at Catherine –

"Yeah…" She smiles, "I want to spend some time alone, just you and me…no work, no punters and no…"

"Husband" I finish for her. She nodded her head.

"But how will you get out of it?"

Catherine pondered my question, and then looked to the wedding band on her finger – "I'll think of something"

* * *

**TBC…**

**sorry that it took me so long to update - i'll try and get more to you soon **


	11. Eating Cake

**Part 11**

I take another bottle from the fridge, and then turn just in time to hear and see another eruption of laughter from the three of them who were sat in my living area. Thank god Rich was looking much better and Bobby was keeping his word and not letting him drink – I can't help but think about the last week and how all this could be so different. She was getting on really well with both Bobby and Rich which I was more than happy about and as far as I can see he hasn't brought up anything that I'd have to slap him for.

I stand and watch them for a while before I decide it's time that I stopped observing and went over there – approaching them I lent over the back of the sofa and leant next to Catherine's ear – "Baby?"

"Hmm?" She asked.

"What time are you at work?" I murmur.

"Eleven tonight" She explains as she turns a little to look at me.

I nod my head, "Come lay down with me for a while…"

"Sure" She smiled.

"Hey you two play nice" Rich smirked as he moved his leg from where he'd put it over Catherine's lap, "And I'll finish catching you up on Sara later" he explained.

I slapped him around the back of the head as I took her hand in mine.

"I'll hold you to that" She says, before joining me.

I give them both a look, then look over to Bobby, "…you make sure he's okay" I growl. I've become overly protective of Rich, I knew that but I just couldn't help it.

"I'll keep an eye on him"

"I'm not a child" He protested.

We both ignored him, "Bob, if you want you can crash here" I offer knowing I don't want him to drive in the state he is in.

"You sure?" He asks.

"More than sure" I nod.

Bob seems happy with that, so am I. I turn and head down the corridor, "you lot be good" Rich calls.

Bobby laughs, and I look over my shoulder with a wink as I wrap an arm around her waist.

Finally I get to the room, and I'm alone with her for the first time tonight since the balcony – once we are in the room I take her hand in mine and walk over to the bed. I'm quiet, and I know she wonders why. It's not like me! Truth was I was just so content right now. "Baby…everything okay?" She asks.

I just nod my head.

She seems suspicious, so I offer her a reassuring kiss. Then I press my forehead against hers – "I'm fine…baby I promise" I tell her. Then wrap my arms around her waist and move back onto the bed – laying down and holding her to me. She moves her one hand around my waist and placed her head on the pillow – I lay on my side mirroring her my head on the pillow also as we just gazed into each others eyes.

"Thank you" I tell her.

"What for?" She asks, as she moved her fingers softly over my skin under the bottom of my shirt.

"Just for this" I explain with a shrug, "Showing up tonight… just because you wanted to. For loving me"

"Don't go getting soppy on me now Sidle" She growls with a smile.

"Can't help it" I smile back as I move my hand to her face running my finger down over her cheek, neck and then slowly back down to her waist.

"Don't want to be anywhere else" She explains seriously.

I close my eyes, as I feel her hand rise up my back – I take a slightly sharp breath – before opening my eyes and looking into her blue depths. "I love you" I manage so quietly she almost couldn't hear it.

"I love you to" She says back. We both stay like this for a good five minuets, no words spoken just looking into each others eyes.

"I'm glad you have guys like them to look out for you" Catherine broke the silence.

I nod my head, I was glad I had them to. Without them god knows where I'd be right now. "Me to"

"They are good guys"

"Yeah – just make sure they don't give you a hard time" I warn her knowing they can get too protective of me.

"Hell, they have to make sure I'm good enough for you" She explains.

"You are…your too good" I tell her.

"He told me that…if I ever hurt you – I'll have to face them" Catherine explained.

"Just never hurt me and you'll have nothing to worry about" I tell her with an obvious logic. She didn't smile though, she just reached out and touched my face.

"I'll try…I will baby" She explains.

"It's all I ask"

We both ponder this for a few moments before I then speak, "They like you a lot"

"Me?"

"Yeah…I can tell" I nod my head, "Bobby's jealous though – doesn't know why your with me"

"Because, you funny, sweet, sexy…" She moved closed to me, "Need I go on…"

I shrug my shoulders, "If you like"

She presses her lips onto mine, still speaking against them, "Smart, kind, and really, really good in bed"

"Is that right…"

She just moved her tongue in my mouth as a response the two off us shearing this passion for a good few minuets before she pulled apart. I just stare at her again, a smirk on my face.

"I'd rather have you in my bed than Rich" I tell her, causing her to smile.

"Glad to hear it…"

"Yeah…" I nod my head, "but I won't miss your snoring"

She slapped my arm, "Oh my God, I don't snore"

"Oh come on, you do" I tell her, unable to hide the smirk.

"Take it back…or the only person you'll sleep with in this bed is Rich" She threatens.

"Your loss" I tell her, as confidante as ever – yeah right!

"You think I'm kidding?" She asks. "Take it back Sara"

She has a menacing look in her eyes that I really don't like. I decide to call her bluff though… and just smile.

Wrong move!

In a swift movement that I wasn't expecting she had flipped me on my back and straddled across my waist pinning my hands above my head. I try to pull against her but she had an advantage- a big advantage. She knew just how to tease as well as the danced in her surfaced and I felt her grind into me a little. A knowing smirk met her lips like she had the cake in sight and she was about to take a huge slice and eat it. I instantly moan out a little – hell she's good.

"Baby…I…"

"Say sorry" She murmured as she bent her head next to my ear.

I refuse to –

And that's when she does it – presses her lips into mine causing the most passionate kiss I think I've ever felt. Her tongue pressed deep into my mouth - battling with my own. She knew how to tease me-

"D…don't" I beg as she makes my pulse race and my body burn. I can't do this, not now when she is leaving soon.

"…just say sorry" She growled.

I bit my lip, I don't want to give in but know that I have to if I'm going to be able to get out of this.

"…say it!"

* * *

_i know fluf but what can i say - next chap will be longer and add move to the storyline - i promise :)_

_thanks for reading _


	12. You have to

**Part 11**

"You know what, you're stood in my kitchen, slugging down my coffee leaning against my counter so you answer my god damn questions. You get me?"

I looked over my coffee mug to Bobby who was sat on the counter opposite me. Coffee in his hand, with a towel draped over his shoulders without his shirt. I'd turned up just as he's been getting out the shower – and he did what he did best – Bobby pulled me into his apartment and acted as the best friend acts. And I had to admit, that's just what I needed. His voice softened, more caring - "Sar, you need to talk to someone – and I know you aren't opening up fully to that blond of yours, I also know that Rich hasn't gotten to this subject yet – so you been the lucky woman you are getting to talk to me."

"And here was I thinking you were going to take up my offer to go and drink" I mumbled loosely, I'm no good talking, he knows that. "…and what makes you think that I don't talk to Catherine"

"Because I know you Sar…there is no one, no one you've been with that truly knows how fucked up your life is."

"It's different this time" I tell him.

"What… are you fucking kidding me? SO she knows that your Dads dead, that your moms locked up and that your going to be seeing you ex?" I looked to the floor, and with each fucking thing he said I felt my heart tighten. "I didn't think so" he offered. "Come on talk to me… you don't want to go back there"

"You know what, I'm scared" I admit to it. "You know what I went through…what she did to me. She broke my fucking heart…but, I'm over it now, I have Cath, I love her"

"Come on, she killed you… I mean, Danny, she was your girl"

"She stopped been my girl the moment she fucked John… she's his woman, and I'm not staying away from my brothers wedding because of her" I growled, my anger taking me over. He looks at me sceptically "Look… so Catherine doesn't know everything but… I'm dealing with this"

"No you're avoiding it"

"Bob, I'm not…avoiding anything"

"The hell your not" he shouted, "Your telling me that going to Frisco isn't going to royally fuck you up?"

I just looked at him. Truth was, I wasn't sure.

"I asked her to come with me!" I blurted out breaking into the silence.

"You what?"

"Catherine, …I asked her to come with me" I tell him as I push my one free hand deep into the pocket of my jeans.

"Wow!" He smiles a little, "She must be real special"

I nod my head, "I'm in love"

"What?"

"You hared me, heart racing, breath taking kind of love."

He smirked, and I knew why.

"your serious right?"

I nodded my head.

"So what did she say?"

"She told me that she'll come with me –she's coming to Frisco and … she has no idea what she's going to be walking into" I sigh. She doesn't –

"If you're a serious about her as you say, she needs to know Sara…needs to know everything before you take her back there."

"I know"

"You can't take her into what is your hell with out a little warning Sara…"

"I know Bobby, God damn it I know" I bark. Then take a deep breath, "I know"

There is a silence between us before he breaks it, "When are we all heading back up there?" he asks.

"End of next week" I tell him.

"Well – tell her ASAP – you get me?"

"Yeah…yeah I get you…"

"I tell you what…how about I get Rich out of yours and you and Catherine can have a night in…"

"Doesn't work like that Bob…"

"Work like what?" he asked a little confused, "You said that she was off work tonight"

"She is, don't mean she's not with her husband though" Even saying husband hurts me and he sees that.

He shakes his head, "Man, are you really going to keep this up?"

"I've got no other option – I'll never let her go and she'll never end it with him so … this is how it is"

-----------------------------

"Hey you" I was back home now, reaching over to what was my bed room door I walked in the phone held by my shoulder to my ear. I sifted my way through the mess that was my room until Rich had moved in. I rolled my eyes and collapsed on my bed, lay looking up.

"Hey Hun…"

"You okay to talk?" I wanted to make sure I wasn't interrupting some Husband Wife moment.

"Yeah… all alone babe" She explains, I smile a little, it makes me happy to think he's not with her.

"Good…well, just wondering if you were free to come over here tonight… I kind of… I need to talk to you"

"Tonight?"

"Yeah…you're off work right?"

"Yeah I am… but…"

"I get it" I tell her, I may sound like I'm understanding but I'm not, inside I'm pissed.

"No…it's not that…" She stops, "It sounds like it's important … are you okay?"

"Yeah…just not an over the phone kind of convo…" I explain.

"I'll be there" She tells me, "May be a little late but I'll be there"

I nod my head, "All I ask. Look, I better go… see you tonight"

"Okay babe… you sure you're okay?" She sounds a little worried.

"I'm fine…I promise…"

"Okay…bye Hun…love you"

"Love you to"

The phone went dead, and for a few moments I still lay there wondering how this was all going to go – how would she take what I was going to say. What would I say? I still didn't know if I was ready for this… but it had to happen… I couldn't let her walk blind into the whole thing.

After a few moments I stood up, I pushed my hand threw my hair and I moved to my side cabinet to take out a few pain killers, my head pounding. With Rich's snoring and the long shifts at the club I'd done the last few days I wasn't getting much sleep. I swallowed them both then left walking towards the living area in my apartment.

"Hey how's the lover?"

"Back off" I mumbled at Rich as I took a seat on the sofa next to him.

"Well someone's over sensitive huh?" He asked.

"Yeah…well she's telling her girl about her past…" Bobby explained, "So you and me are hitting the town"

"No you're not…he's still sick…"

"Come on…I'm not sick" he protested.

"Your not drinking"

"Fine…how about we hit the casino then" Bobby offered.

"As long as you don't drink" I was fine with it.

"So… you want me to stay over at Bobby's tonight and give you two some space?"

"Do you mind?" I ask…

"No… you need some time…" he explains. I nod my head.

"Thanks"

"No problem…"


	13. Simply Hurting

**Part 12**

"Don't tell me…" He placed his keys on the side and looked over to where I was sat on the window sill. "…she didn't show" he didn't need me to answer he could tell by the mess that was my living room that she hadn't. The place was littered with bottles. The place was a mess. I looked from him down into my black coffee –"Shit Sara… you can't keep going on like this" he shook his head, and then walked off into the kitchen. I looked over to where he was – reaching into my fridge – getting some water.

Moving my head to the side I rested it on the glass looking over the world below me. People moving around – everything in their lives seeming so god damn simple – I mean why couldn't that be me? All I want is for it to be simple, the fall in love, live happily ever after type. Is it too much to ask? I mean, I've fell in love but I'm no where near the happy ever after – and honestly don't think I'll ever be there. I stand up, just as Rich gets back to looking at me; he's now lent against the kitchen counter. I can't even look at him, I'm too embarrassed, to aware of just how stupid I am thinking that she'd ever put me before him. I knew he was about to say something, and I really didn't want to hear it. "Leave it" I tell him, "Just leave it … I'm going to get a shower" I threw my mug on the side and walked. Not before seeing him shaking his head –

I knew why he was doing it, because he was pissed off – that I was letting this happen. I was so hurt by her, he could see it – and he also saw what she was putting my through. What's funny is how much I love her though – even now after what she's done to me I still worry. I'm worried that maybe he'd lost it and hit her again – that maybe this time he'd gone too far – maybe she was hurt. Slamming the bathroom door I tried to push it all away. Tried to forget about it –

- Forget about it! Yeah…right.

Even now after my shower all I can feel is anger. Sure, I understood I was the bit on the side. Sure, I was always second but I'd needed her last night. Hell, if she couldn't show why didn't she just call me- call and let me know god damn it! I'm stood in the steam filled room looking into the mirror.

I look rough; the lack of sleep and alcohol was taking its toll. She was honestly a mess – but she honestly didn't give a shit. I'd changed into a clean pair of jeans and a white tank top. Making me feel a little better – though not fully. I turned on the mirror, no longer wanting to pity the woman I'd become – no longer able to look at the sad state I now was.

There was a time that I'd never have let myself be second best, a time where I had more respect for myself – a time that I didn't feel like I do now. Maybe Rich was right, maybe what had happened back home had hurt me more than I'd known, or let myself know. We'd all been so close, the group of us and it hurt – when she cheated on me it had hurt so I left because it's all I could do. I left Frisco and came to Vegas – I'd run away. That broke the group up. Rich and Bobby came with me – they'd seen me through everything. They were my family … and I know they aren't happy with how I was handling my life but hell I'm the first to admit I'm stubborn.

I left the bathroom and padded my way through the apartment, my bare feet pulling my jeans across the floor. I wasn't in the mood for breakfast, or for talking with Rich but I knew that I needed to get some water and aspirin – the headache I fully deserved was taking hold.

"Your kidding me?" I hared Bobby. I mean, hell – I've been in the shower what half an hour and he's here – I should have known he'd show up for breakfast before work.

"Nope, she never showed." There was Rich. I stood against the hall way wall listening to the two of them. If wasn't often I got to eavesdrop – but I'm hoping I'll find out what the really think about Catherine and what they think about me.

"God damn it…that woman don't know what she's going to lose if she don't sort this out" Bobby ranted. I can only assume that he's talking about Catherine because I couldn't lose more than I have. My respect, my heart, my sanity – I've nothing left to offer Catherine.

"That's the thing – I don't think she will lose her…Sara's not going to give this up. She'll let her do anything, hell Catherine's walking all over her"

That was it, the realization at just how low I have fallen. Is it true, will I let Catherine do anything to me? How much am I really willing to take. I shake my head not caring about the head ach or the water I was once needing to get I turned around and quietly made my way back to my bed room.

And that's where I curled up on top of my bed, my back facing the wall – I closed my eyes. Hugging to a chest my pillow though I refused to cry – I refused to do that. I honestly don't know why I'm so upset – she just didn't show up, its not like she hadn't done it before. I think it is because I was about to open up fully to her, that's why its hit me so hard. I just allowed sleep to over come me which wasn't hard as I hadn't closed my eyes all night.

--------------

"You going to work?"

"Yup" I nodded though never turned to face him. I'd slept away the day and got up not long ago one enough time to get to work – I didn't feel like talking and defiantly didn't feel like doing this touchy feely crap I knew he was about to start. I reached for the bottle of water I'd half drunk and took the second pill that I hoped would help my pounding head. "Don't know what time I'll finish tonight"

"Is she working?" He asked after a moments break. Then silence fell between us – he was waiting for me to say something and I was trying to avoid talking about it. He caved first and spoke again, "Well, is she?"

"Probably… she's a stripped so she'll be stripping." I spat. Drinking the water again and turning to face him. He was lent over the counter his head rested on his hands. "And I'll be watching wondering why it is I love her…"

"Sar…"

"No… I really don't want to do this now…just leave it"

He took the advice, but only for a mere moment, then he spoke again – "She called"

"I know…I hared the phone go…she rang my cell to"

"You didn't answer" He stated, not as an accusation just out of interest and I knew that he wanted me to elaborate.

I shook my head, "I don't want to talk this out again with her. She was with her husband probably doing a lot more than eating and I really don't want to think about it…so…I don't want to talk to her!" I explained swiftly as I took my keys of the side, "Do the caring brother bit later…I can't do this now" and with that I headed towards the door.

-----------

The bar buzzed with people as the Smokey room continued to fill. I was serving one of the many people that lined the bar when I saw her. She entered in from one of the side doors that led from the dressing rooms – and instantly she began to walk over to me. I was actually happy to have demands of orders thrown across to occupy me – not really wanting to talk about this with her now – the busy bar was my way of escaping.

"Can… we talk!" She called over the noise.

I looked quickly to my side, "I'm busy" I explained casually as if she'd done nothing wrong, as if I wasn't hurting.

"Sara…" She attempted but I took another order from the guy to my left. A guy not much older than me, unshaven in an attractive kind of way – reminded me of the first guy I ever loved – the first and the last… reminded me of happiness…of simple times. A false happiness that was easy. Just reminded me of how hard real happiness was to find, and to grab hold of…

…just how hard been with Catherine was. I looked across to where she was stood when I got his beer – and locked eyes with hers for a moment. I finished serving the man then turned and walked over to her. "I can't talk now!"

"I know… I… I'm sorry"

I just shook my head –

I looked to my hands – then she broke the silence that I had allowed fill the gap. "I tried calling today…"

"I know"

"You didn't answer"

I nodded my head, "I know…"

"Don't do this" She pleaded.

"What?"

"Shut me out…"

"Look… we're down staff…I need to work." I cut her off. She was getting angry.

"Fine…" She shot, "Do your job"

I looked at her for a few moments, I could see my own sadness reflected in her eyes.

"Sevice?" That cut into my thoughts.

I looked to the guy at my left – less good looking than the last – more creepy however. "Sorry…what can I …err…get for you?" As he reeled off his order she walked away, though I'm sure not as hurt as she'd left me. I just wanted to make this simple –

Just me and her…

But I saw in that moment that it would never be her, or me, or simple.

It would just hurt!


End file.
